However, let us review your letter in more detail.

Actually, I am one-in-a-couple-of-billion, to be precise. That has pretty much been confirmed by the scientific community, but I don�t suppose that much of you at Men�s Health read many scientific journals, let alone English textbooks. If I were one�in�a�hundred, the world would be a very boring place indeed.

I will ignore the rhetorical �man among men� comment, and move straight to �You�re already a �winner.�� First of all, if I am already a winner, then why would I need your magazine, and why would you feel the need to put the word winner in quotations? It suggests a level of sarcasm that even I am not capable of, and may not be very flattering to prospective customers. Then again, I might conclude that most of your customers have difficulty reading anything in their full�length mirror.

Perhaps you have phrased it as "You're already a "winner!"" so that people won't confuse your mail with the many sweepstakes letters that claim "You may already be a Winner!", which everybody knows are bogus. It's the subtle touches such as that which define your magazine as clearly superior to the other garbage which surprises me each and every trip to the mailbox.

�LAST LONGER: In bed�do this while thrusting (you�ll go forever!)�

I�m not sure if I want to go forever. That sounds like a lot, especially when underlined. The commercials on television tell me that if I have an erection which lasts more than 36 hours, I should call a doctor. Personally, if that happened to me, I think I would call a lot of people, and maybe take photos too. I am sure I can use help in this department, but now that you have sent me a free copy of your magazine, all I have to do is think about the scary looking bare�chested guy on the front cover, and I am sure I won�t climax.

�BE LEANER: Why you must eat fat to lose weight.�

Again with the underline thing. While I am not a nutritionist or doctor, I am unsure about the validity of your eat�fat�get�thin claim. If it is true, however, I must be eating a lot of fat because I weigh only 135 lbs. on a 5�-8� frame. Thanks for letting me know I am doing everything right.

�GET STRONGER: In the gym�lift slower and rest longer between sets. (Your muscles will bulge like VW Beetles!)

Ka�ching! Double word score payment for the double underline! Remind me not to play against you guys in Scrabble�. Thankfully, I don�t need any help in this department, as I currently lift very slowly, if at all, and often rest for several years between sets. As far as muscle size is concerned, I was really hoping for something less European, and maybe more along the lines of an American sedan or SUV. Then I would look normal.

�The average guy has sex just 1.5 times a week�and lasts a mere 14 minutes from foreplay to finish.�

I can sympathize with the �.5� aspect of that statistic, as we have all been there at some point or another, but if you were to add up all my �.5� episodes it would really be closer to an average total of 3.5 times a week, which is a bit better. That�s not counting the full numbers. More importantly, I am pretty sure that the number of times a week you have sex is less dependent on what magazine you subscribe to than how much of a frigid bitch your wife or girlfriend is. Thankfully, my girlfriend and I do not appear to have this problem, and are doing our best to keep the average closer to 6. In fact, when I told my girlfriend about my new, unsolicited subscription offer, she immediately told me she was willing to have me �Bounce Her� (page 7) more than ever, so the national average is bound to rise.

It is too bad that the �average� guy only has sex 1.5 times a week, but that must be why you are only offering this magazine to the select few �one�in�a�hundred,� �numero uno,� �far from average� �winners� like myself. As far as the 14 minute timspan is concerned, I really can�t tell because we are not so self-absorbed as to be timing ourselves.

�The average guy stopped reading this letter four lines after �Dear Sir�. (That�s because he doesn�t see himself as a winner.)

What can I say��you had me at �Hello.� I think the real reason the average guy stopped reading your letter at the forth line is because that�s where you mention the fact that he is one�in�a�hundred, a man among men. Even the average guy can do basic math and recognize bullshit junk mail when he sees it.

While we are at it, a few more suggestions for your fine periodical:

If you are trying to market a magazine to men, why don�t you try getting rid of all the photographs of sweaty, bare�chested guys you feature on�every�single�page? If I were gay, your magazine would be a windfall of hotties in my mailbox, but I am instead considering giving it to my girlfriend so she can get some use out of it.

Perhaps it would increase sales if you underlined the words �Men�s Health� on the cover?

Articles like �Sex Tricks From Skin Flicks!� (page 7 also) would be decent if it wasn�t for the fact I pretty much learn the tricks from watching the movies themselves, including how to edit.

You should not start a sentence with the word �And�.

If you are trying to market a magazine to me, avoid using phrases like: �Hunks Like You,� �Bullet�proof your prostate,� �Tummy,� �Look at her like this during sex, then say this,� �Drop the chalupa,� ��a cheaper way to minimize the effect of an oversize nose is to make everything around your face appear larger, � �Best wardrobe ideas,� �Manly� or to refer to my penis in any way as �My pal�.

Upon reflection, I think I will decline your offer, and would insist that you stop sending me shit.

Here�s to you, too!

[NAME WITHELD FOR ONLINE PUBLICATION]

Above-Average-Guy

P.S. No letter is complete nowadays without a �P.S.� at the end, especially now that computers allow us to edit what we write before it is printed, as your letter completely fails to acknowledge. I just wanted to add a thank you for letting me know that I am a winner too, and I look forward to �kicking butt�, but I would prefer if we didn�t do it together!

 0 wrote to say im an idiot.