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A Sorted Affair

09.02.2004 2:28 a.m.

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Not-So-Daily Blatherings

So


So, a couple of days ago I learned that my girlfriend has a crush on four different guys.

(Yeah, yeah....I'm always the last to know. Thanks for pointing that out to me.)

To be honest, I suspected something was up, so I have been keeping a close eye on her recently. That was how I discovered about her sordid love affairs - love affairs she has been keeping a secret from me since the age of 3 months! My keen instincts took over, and because I am a resourceful guy, began monitoring her habits and doing research. Sure enough, I found the proof - right here on the Internet. My girlfriend is so naive to think that I wouldn't discover this eventually, but it appears she has been keeping a diary on the Internet where she divulges all her nasty little secrets! It was there that I read about her four heart-throbs, and was very dismayed at what I found.

I wasn't so much surprised by the fact that she has been hiding this from me (after all, I never told her about the 3 affairs I had the week I was doing volunteer work at the clinic) as I was shocked by the type of man that she chooses to lust over. It really made me take a hard look at myself and wonder what it is that she sees in me, or why she would be interested in me in the first place. If this is what she looks for in a man, then why does she tell me every day that "she doesn't love me for my money?"

Guy #1: a.k.a. "Jimmy Carter" [whereabouts and address unknown]

This dude totally pisses me off. From what I have been able to learn, he apparently won the freakin' Nobel Peace Prize, and at some point was President of the most powerful nation on earth. He is supposedly really intelligent and a hard worker, but the guy can't hold a job to save his life, and spends his days building homes for the poor and traveling around the world showing people how to vote. He also brokers peace deals, and stuff. For free. I am guessing that he has a really rich family that can afford to support him while he runs around goofing off. To add insult to injury, I walked in the bedroom the other night to see him on television giving some long speech to "the people of America" about "Freedom and Democracy" or some such shit. My girlfriend was lying right there in bed, watching him, doing god-knows-what. Also he likes peanuts.

This guy and I have absolutely nothing in common, except that we are both older than my girlfriend.



Guy #2: a.k.a. "Carl Sagan" [faked death in 1996, living on Mars]

Ugh. This guy. What can I say? Your typical �Jack-of-All-Trades/Master-of-None,� he is variously described as Astrophysicist, Philosopher, Bestselling Author, Doctor, Anthropologist, Professor, Scientist, Pulitzer-Prize Winner, Mentor, Host of the most-watched television show in history and �The best science educator in the world this century.� Pick a job, dude. Similar to Guy#1, he frittered away most of his time on useless endeavors like overseeing various NASA space missions, looking for little green men and unlocking the evolutionary history of mankind, apparently funded only by mommy and daddy. He somehow won a Grammy Award for narrating the audio recording of one of his books. Hello? Who the hell wins a Grammy Award for books-on-tape!? Being a complete slacker, he was never able to land a real job in the private sector, and instead settled for positions at vocational places like Harvard and Cornell. Proving that he was a complete whack-job, he even authored a science fiction book starring Jodie Foster, of all people. (Remember John Hinkley, folks?) Every object he launched into space, including the Mariner, Viking and Voyager probes, failed to return to earth.

Not surprisingly, I have nothing in common with this guy either, except that he is also older than my girlfriend.



Guy #3: a.k.a. �Phil 'Fang' Volk� [currently at eMotions! Lounge - Holiday Inn, Brentwood, N.J. Tuesdays & Thursdays 7 p.m.-8:30 p.m.]

Just when I thought my girlfriend only had the hots for unsuccessful dorks like the two above, she finally redeems herself with a totally kick-ass rock&roll guitar player named �Fang�. How am I supposed to compete with a guy named Fang? I don't even have a nickname that other people will use in front of me. This guy has a resume longer than my arm, (the left one) and has been with more bands than the Van Halen groupies.

Before he became really famous though, he worked his way up the rock&roll ladder by rockin' the Boise, Idaho club scene and setting the trends for what would become a musical revolution. You can tell these guys tore it up, even in the early days. You can see him pictured below in his band, �The Chancellors�. I'm not sure which one is him, but I assume he is one of the ones holding a guitar and headless chicken. I would be afraid to party with these guys, after some of the stories I have heard. Most of these guys went onto very successful careers in entertainment: Pictured 2nd from left: Philip Seymour Hoffmann (drums), 4th from left, bottom: Rudi Giuliani (bongo), Far right: Al Franken (sax).



�The Chancellors, of Boise Idaho, were a very professional band that performed every Saturday night to a capacity house at the Fiesta Ballroom. We had a wardrobe and choregraphed [sic] staging, which most bands in that region and era strived for, in an effort to emulate the regional heroes, Paul Revere and the Raiders, who were the "kings of rock" in the eyes of all us up-and-coming rockers in the Boise, Nampa, Caldwell, Idaho area.�

The caption to the photo says it all.

As if that wasn't enough, Fang eventually went on to join his rock-nemesis, �Paul Revere & The Raiders.� The Chancellors just weren't big enough for him. He rocked on with the Raiders from 1965 � 1967 until a lousy copycat band by the name of �The Beatles� stole their whole routine; choreographing, stage presence, wardrobe and all. The band was devastated, and Fang vowed revenge. He went on to join no less than ten more bands, including �Ricky Nelson's Stone Canyon Band,� �Anita Mann's A Blast From The Past,� �The American Rock All-Stars� and �The Friendship Train at Disneyland� just to name a few of the good ones.



Here we see Fang at the height of his career, ignoring Ed Sullivan on national television. Ed Sullivan tried three times to shake his hand that night, but Fang ignored him and just kept smiling at the cameras. No one ever dared ignore The Sullivan, except The Fang. Many would later claim that this snub against the king of nighttime television was what prompted the many attempts on Fang's life afterwards. None of them were successful. To say the man intimidates me would be an understatement.

Here is a photo of Fang with his parents, Buster & Crystal, the morning he was leaving for his first day of Junior High School. None of the kids at school dared to pick on Fang, and if they did, Buster would show up in the playground and beat the crap out of them for calling his son a queer. Crystal made her own plastic bras and was a successful seamstress. She hand-made all of Fang's clothing, including his pants which she insisted were supposed to be tight for proper blood circulation. That's why he is sporting a little "camel-toe" in this picture. Buster later shot himself.

I forgive my girlfriend for adoring this man - it would be unthinkable not to, and I would question her sexuality. Why then, would she see anything in me? I can't compete with a rock star. The only thing I have in common with this guy is that he is also older than my girlfriend, and the pants.

Guy #4: a.k.a. "Nils Lofgren" [whereabouts unknown, but last seen headed to the U.K. with stolen credit cards]

Another rock star/guitar player, though this one far less accomplished than the Fang. He started out at age 17 playing guitar for Neil Young, and continued working on and off with Neil for several years before he started releasing his own albums. Went on a bunch of world tours and released more albums before joining Bruce Springsteen's band in 1984. More world tours and albums, videos and some stupid volunteer stuff like the Amnesty International World Tour, and then some more world tours and videos, and then some more albums. And then some more world tours. The usual. Just going through the motions.

He was later invited to join one of the members of The Beatles (the same copycat band that ripped-off the Raiders stage-ideas!) and did another world tour with them as well, but if he were a real man he would have declined on principle. Since then, karma has caught up with him and he has only been able to find new gigs with people like Branford Marsalis, Cab Calloway, a bunch of PBS/MTV/HBO specials and score some music for The Sopranos. In between he fills his time doing more work with Neil Young and Springsteen, more world tours, videos and albums. Now he is on another world tour. Basically can't get off his lazy ass.

If my girlfriend thinks such sloth is an attractive characteristic, then I have no idea why she is with me. On top of this, the guy is a fashion misfit. He apparently can only wear shirts that are either shiny, have paisley on them, or both. I don't get it. If my girlfriend finds these characteristics attractive, then I have no idea why she is with me. And he looks like Bruce Springsteen.

The only thing I have in common with this guy is that we are both older than my girlfriend, and I have once been on a plane.

Why does my girlfriend like me when she obviously lusts after these four men? I am perturbed by the pattern of her lust I see forming. After a careful analysis of the common traits of these guys compared to myself, I have come to the obvious conclusion. There is an obvious pattern. I suppose you see it too.

My girlfriend is nuts.



 0 wrote to say im an idiot.


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