Saamba
LAST 5 ENTRIES:
Remotely interesting - 07.07.2006
Weather or not you believe this.... - 07.06.2006
Dear Scientific Community..... - 03.11.2005
the saambas go missing-in-action - 11.22.2004
i'm baaack! - 10.29.2004
A Sorted Affair
09.02.2004 2:28 a.m.
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Just when I thought my girlfriend only had the hots
for unsuccessful dorks like the two above, she finally redeems herself with a
totally kick-ass rock&roll guitar player named �Fang�. How am I supposed to
compete with a guy named Fang? I don't even have a nickname that other people
will use in front of me. This guy has a resume longer than my arm, (the left
one) and has been with more bands than the Van Halen groupies. �
�
�
Here is a photo of Fang with his parents, Buster &
Crystal, the morning he was leaving for his first day of Junior High School.
None of the kids at school dared to pick on Fang, and if they did, Buster would
show up in the playground and beat the crap out of them for calling his son a
queer. Crystal made her own plastic bras and was a successful seamstress. She
hand-made all of Fang's clothing, including his pants which she insisted were
supposed to be tight for proper blood circulation. That's why he is sporting a
little "camel-toe" in this picture. Buster later shot himself. �
I forgive my girlfriend for adoring this man - it
would be unthinkable not to, and I would question her sexuality. Why then, would
she see anything in me? I can't compete with a rock star. The only thing I have
in common with this guy is that he is also older than my girlfriend, and the
pants. �
Guy #4: a.k.a. "Nils Lofgren" [whereabouts
unknown, but last seen headed to the U.K. with stolen credit cards] �
Another rock star/guitar player, though this one far
less accomplished than the Fang. He started out at age 17 playing guitar for
Neil Young, and continued working on and off with Neil for several years before
he started releasing his own albums. Went on a bunch of world tours and released
more albums before joining Bruce Springsteen's band in 1984. More world tours
and albums, videos and some stupid volunteer stuff like the Amnesty
International World Tour, and then some more world tours and videos, and then
some more albums. And then some more world tours. The usual. Just going through
the motions. �
He was later invited to join one of the members of
The Beatles (the same copycat band that ripped-off the Raiders
stage-ideas!) and did another world tour with them as well, but if he were a
real man he would have declined on principle. Since then, karma has caught up
with him and he has only been able to find new gigs with people like Branford
Marsalis, Cab Calloway, a bunch of PBS/MTV/HBO specials and score some music for
The Sopranos. In between he fills his time doing more work with Neil Young and
Springsteen, more world tours, videos and albums. Now he is on another world
tour. Basically can't get off his lazy ass.
�
The only thing I have in common with this guy is
that we are both older than my girlfriend, and I have once been on a plane. �
Why does my girlfriend like me when she obviously
lusts after these four men? I am perturbed by the pattern of her lust I see
forming. After a careful analysis of the common traits of these guys compared to
myself, I have come to the obvious conclusion. There is an obvious pattern. I
suppose you see it too. �
My girlfriend is nuts. � �
So, a
couple of days ago I learned that my girlfriend has a crush on four different
guys.
(Yeah, yeah....I'm always the last to know. Thanks for pointing that out to me.)
To be honest, I suspected something was up, so I have been keeping a
close eye on her recently. That was how I discovered about her sordid love
affairs - love affairs she has been keeping a secret from me since the age of
3 months! My keen instincts took over, and because I am a resourceful guy,
began monitoring her habits and doing research. Sure enough, I found the proof -
right here on the Internet. My girlfriend is so naive to think that I wouldn't
discover this eventually, but it appears she has been keeping a diary on the
Internet where she divulges all her nasty little secrets! It was there that I
read about her four heart-throbs, and was very dismayed at what I found.
I wasn't so much surprised by the fact that she has been hiding this from me
(after all, I never told her about the 3 affairs I had the week I was doing
volunteer work at the clinic) as I was shocked by the type of man that
she chooses to lust over. It really made me take a hard look at myself and
wonder what it is that she sees in me, or why she would be interested in me in
the first place. If this is what she looks for in a man, then why does she tell
me every day that "she doesn't love me for my money?"
Guy #1: a.k.a. "Jimmy Carter" [whereabouts and address unknown]
This dude totally pisses me off. From what I have been able to learn, he
apparently won the freakin' Nobel Peace Prize, and at some point was President
of the most powerful nation on earth. He is supposedly really intelligent and a
hard worker, but the guy can't hold a job to save his life, and spends his days
building homes for the poor and traveling around the world showing people how to
vote. He also brokers peace deals, and stuff. For free. I am guessing that he
has a really rich family that can afford to support him while he runs around
goofing off. To add insult to injury, I walked in the bedroom the other night to
see him on television giving some long speech to "the people of America" about
"Freedom and Democracy" or some such shit. My girlfriend was lying right there
in bed, watching him, doing god-knows-what. Also he likes peanuts.
This guy and I have absolutely nothing in common, except that we are both older
than my girlfriend.
Guy #2: a.k.a. "Carl Sagan" [faked death in 1996, living on Mars]
Ugh. This guy. What can I say? Your typical �Jack-of-All-Trades/Master-of-None,�
he is variously described as Astrophysicist, Philosopher, Bestselling Author,
Doctor, Anthropologist, Professor, Scientist, Pulitzer-Prize Winner, Mentor,
Host of the most-watched television show in history and �The best science
educator in the world this century.� Pick a job, dude. Similar to Guy#1, he
frittered away most of his time on useless endeavors like overseeing various
NASA space missions, looking for little green men and unlocking the evolutionary
history of mankind, apparently funded only by mommy and daddy. He somehow won a
Grammy Award for narrating the audio recording of one of his books. Hello? Who
the hell wins a Grammy Award for books-on-tape!? Being a complete slacker, he
was never able to land a real job in the private sector, and instead settled for
positions at vocational places like Harvard and Cornell. Proving that he was a
complete whack-job, he even authored a science fiction book starring Jodie
Foster, of all people. (Remember John Hinkley, folks?) Every object he launched
into space, including the Mariner, Viking and Voyager probes, failed to return
to earth.
Not surprisingly, I have nothing in common with this guy either, except that he
is also older than my girlfriend.
Guy #3: a.k.a. �Phil 'Fang' Volk� [currently at eMotions! Lounge -
Holiday Inn, Brentwood, N.J. Tuesdays & Thursdays 7 p.m.-8:30 p.m.]
�
Before he became really famous though, he worked his way up the rock&roll ladder
by rockin' the Boise, Idaho club scene and setting the trends for what would
become a musical revolution. You can tell these guys tore it up, even in the
early days. You can see him pictured below in his band, �The Chancellors�. I'm
not sure which one is him, but I assume he is one of the ones holding a guitar
and headless chicken. I would be afraid to party with these guys, after some of
the stories I have heard. Most of these guys went onto very successful careers in entertainment: Pictured 2nd from left: Philip Seymour Hoffmann (drums), 4th from left, bottom: Rudi Giuliani (bongo), Far right: Al Franken (sax).
�The Chancellors, of Boise Idaho, were a very professional band that
performed every Saturday night to a capacity house at the Fiesta Ballroom. We
had a wardrobe and choregraphed [sic] staging, which most bands in that
region and era strived for, in an effort to emulate the regional heroes, Paul
Revere and the Raiders, who were the "kings of rock" in the eyes of all us
up-and-coming rockers in the Boise, Nampa, Caldwell, Idaho area.�
The caption to the photo says it all.
As if that wasn't enough, Fang eventually went on to join his rock-nemesis,
�Paul Revere & The Raiders.� The Chancellors just weren't big enough for him. He
rocked on with the Raiders from 1965 � 1967 until a lousy copycat band by the
name of �The Beatles� stole their whole routine; choreographing, stage presence,
wardrobe and all. The band was devastated, and Fang vowed revenge. He went on to
join no less than ten more bands, including �Ricky Nelson's Stone Canyon Band,�
�Anita Mann's A Blast From The Past,� �The American Rock All-Stars� and �The
Friendship Train at Disneyland� just to name a few of the good ones.
Here we see Fang at the height of his career, ignoring Ed Sullivan on national
television. Ed Sullivan tried three times to shake his hand that night, but Fang
ignored him and just kept smiling at the cameras. No one ever dared
ignore The Sullivan, except The Fang. Many would later claim that this
snub against the king of nighttime television was what prompted the many
attempts on Fang's life afterwards. None of them were successful. To say the man
intimidates me would be an understatement.
If my girlfriend thinks such sloth
is an attractive characteristic, then I have no idea why she is with me. On top
of this, the guy is a fashion misfit. He apparently can only wear shirts that
are either shiny, have paisley on them, or both. I don't get it. If my
girlfriend finds these characteristics attractive, then I have no idea why she
is with me. And he looks like Bruce Springsteen.
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