I guess it's easier to write headlines for the funny stuff.

Last, but not least, is the "Most Emailed Photos" section. This usually involves celebrities, deformed and/or insanely cute animals, boobs and other sex organs or the completely random photo that you can't understand why it is being emailed, so you click on it. The other day they featured a photo of the last category. This photo showed a man standing and pointing an M-16 rifle (in a fake posing kind-of-way) in what appeared to be, for all intensive purposes, someones backyard. Curious, I clicked on it. The caption for the photo was �Army Shows 1st Uniform Redesign Since '81�. The first thing that strikes you when you view the photo is what the man is wearing. Unlike the normal forest-green or desert-sand-brown camo fatigues of our nations fine military, this backyard chap is wearing what I call �The Reason The U.S. Is Going To Lose All Future Wars�. Since when is camouflage light gray?? Apparently, the United States Department of Defense has concluded that, for the foreseeable future, all military conflicts will be waged in gravel pits.

See!!? First of all, these things look like pajamas. According to the article, this was �modeled� to reporters. And check out Sgt. 1st Class Jeff Myhre with the little beret on. Now I know why there was all the resistance to letting gays into the military � it's turned into a fashion show at the Pentagon. Actually, that's not fair. Gay men would design something much better. I have a good friend serving in Iraq right now, and I hope to hell he never has to wear this light gray crap. I don't even know where to start. Just so you know, this new combat uniform is not supposed to be added to our various selection of green and brown fatigues......it is supposed to REPLACE them.

Why don't we start with the definition of camouflage:

cam�ou�flage n.

1. The method or result of concealing personnel or equipment from an enemy by making them appear to be part of the natural surroundings.

2. Concealment by disguise or protective coloring.

3. Fabric or a garment dyed in splotches of green, brown, tan, and black so as to make the wearer indistinguishable from the surrounding environment.

Make a note of definition #3. Nowhere does it mention the color light gray. Unless our soldiers are planning on spending an awful amount of time battling around poorly constructed, bare concrete buildings, I do not see how this will �make them appear to be part of their natural surroundings�. I don't think this color even exists in the Middle East. I'm not sure what the natural environment of North Korea looks like, but I assume that this isn't it.

The article goes on to explain that these are �digital camouflage� patterns. This at first got me really excited to think they had developed some super light-morphing technology that allowed people to blend into various environments like �The Predator�, or as science fiction would say, a chameleon. However, that does not appear to be the case, and the article completely reams my senses by never actually explaining what the fuck they mean by using the words �digital� or �digitized�. After reading the article several times, it appears that they simply mean that the pattern was printed from a computer image. That makes me feel better. So, the next time you are in the local shopping mall and you pass the ubiquitous fat lady wearing the XXXL tee-shirt she just had made at the Mugs&More kiosk which shows a grainy picture of her four year-old niece with the mullet, you can rest easy knowing that it is made from the same cutting-edge technology the Armed Forces are using. And she has matching coffee mugs.

Glad to know the Army isn't wasting money paying people to hand-paint the camouflage patterns on! By that definition, my Lollapalooza shirt is digital for christsake.

The article goes on to instill further confidence with: �Soldiers also will get a new, no-shine, tan combat boot, and the current black boots will be discontinued.� My first question with this is....why do they only get ONE boot? Where I come from, 'no-shine, tan boots' are called Timberland Shit-Kickers, and they are sold in pairs. And why is it tan? Shouldn't it match the camouflage? Are we hoping to confuse the enemy by only letting them see our boots? They will most certainly be perplexed by the one-boot-per-soldier thing, like having a 'pedittle' driving towards you on the road at night, and think our invading army is half the size it really is.........and they are hopping.

Maybe this whole idea would go over easier if the person in charge of �modeling� new clothing lines at the Pentagon would think to have the model stand in front of something other than a grove of pine trees on a green lawn. �Oh, silly! Then the design wouldn't stand out for the photographers! You have sooo much to learn about composition, honey.�

To test my theory, I used these images of our future soldiers in Photoshop and placed them against different backgrounds. I wish I could upload all the variations � they are hilarious. I've only tried 54 different backgrounds so far, but have come to the horrific conclusion that these uniforms only provide camouflage in the following two environments:

1. Against a backdrop of many other soldiers; or

2. Directly in front of a new Wal-Mart Super Center.

I'm not sure which is worse, but the second option leads me to conclude that the Army is preparing to throw-down right here in the suburban United States. If that is the case, a few digital Starbuck's� logos would help, too.

To top it all off, I love how the additional items on the uniform, such as the soldier's name, ranking stripes and division patches are still the original dark green background color. I don't want to think about why that is. If they aren't really supposed to be that color, then why did they put them on the �model uniform� that the whole world is going to see? They couldn't get the right colored patches? Then they shouldn't put them on at all. Oh......and extensive use of Velcro�!!??? I feel sorry for the poor soldier that is hiding in a light-gray ditch somewhere, trying to conceal his one boot from view of the enemy troops standing a few feet away, when he tries to pull another clip of ammo out of his pocket.....

�Czzzzzzrrrrrrppppp!!!� (Or whatever fucking sound Velcro makes.)

�The new uniform is intended to blend into all types of terrain, with a combination of tan, green and gray, the Army said. It is set to replace the two different combat uniforms currently in use, one designed to blend into desert settings and the other for use in forest areas, the Army said.�

Great. So instead of having two uniforms which work in two different terrains, we can have one uniform which only half works in both. This will be perfect for fighting in the DESERTFOREST! My Atlas does not identify DESERTFOREST as a type of terrain found on this planet.

"The uniform is roomier and made with a no-wrinkle fabric. The coat-trousers combination costs $88, compared with $56 for the current battle dress uniform."

Hmmm. Instead of spending the money to make all the uniforms "roomier", why not give everybody the next size up? Makes sense to me, and tell me we aren't paying an extra $30 bucks per camouflage combat uniform so it can be wrinkle free? Can you even see wrinkles in camouflage?? I can't wait for the next GO ARMY television Ad: Two soldiers, desperately trying to take cover from machine-gun fire amid a non light-gray environment, hop-hop-hopping around a corner and seeking refuge in a nearby doorway. They bust down the door and scramble in, closing the door behind them. Inside, three Iraqi women start screaming in panic as the soldiers set up defenses in the living room. Slowly, the scene calms down.....the sound of gunfire outside receeds....it gets quiet......the camera turns toward one of the women looking nervously at the soldiers....she pulls down the fabric covering her face and smiles at one of the men.....with a twinkle in her eye, she mouths the words:

"Nice Pants."

........and then you slowly hear the sound of Velcro.

[Scene Fades to Army Logo]

I actually had trouble finding the �new camouflage� article again because in two days it had been buried underneath more important photos like �Britney Spear's boobs look like they are about to explode in that outfit she always wears at concerts� and �Rasputin's penis has been kept in a jar for almost a century by a strange person, presumably German, and now a young blond woman is looking just a little too closely at it�. These are by themselves each worthy of entire diary entries. You can also find photos such as �Giant pandas, when they are very small, are soooo adorable that you just want to invade China and steal them all, but we don't have the proper camouflage� and �It must suck to be Courtney Love�.

But I digress.

Recently, my girlfriend and I took her father, as a Father's Day present, to go see a musician by the name of Jonny Lang play at a local bar. I didn't know very much about Mr. Jonny Lang, although said girlfriend had told me a few things about him, but I went along just for the heck of it. Actually, I went along because they cooked me dinner, and my driving allowed father to �cheat� and enjoy a glass of scotch or two at the show which his wife, and diet, wouldn't allow. Anyway, I arrived not knowing what to expect, but not expecting very much.

And then the show started. To put this into perspective, think about times you have gone to see a really big fireworks show, like say, for example, a major metropolitan Fourth of July Celebration or the opening of a new Krispy Creme store. As you are standing there, watching the show, hearing people around you say �Oooooooo!� and �Aaaaahhhhh� and �Pass me another Glazed Cruller�, you usually get a sense of when the �finale� is starting as the fireworks start to get really active. Some finales are kinda weak, and you stand there thinking �is this the finale?�, while others are strong, and you say to yourself �This MUST be the finale!�. Well, when you go to see a band play, and the third song on their set-list rocks with more emotion and energy than the finale of many large concerts, then you know you are in for a good show. I have no idea what they played � I only recognized two songs that night, but they were great. The lead singer (coincidentally named Jonny Lang) seems to have the energy of Henry Rollins, the guitar inspiration of Steve Vai, and the soul of a 50 year old black man from Louisiana. This struck me as rather odd because he is in fact a 22 year old white kid from North Dakota.

There were actually several songs where I closed my eyes and just listened to him. If you had put me there with my eyes closed, and asked me to guess what I would see when I opened my eyes, I would have put good money on a wrinkled and weathered black man, unshaven, sitting on a stool and wearing one of those hats that old black men who play the blues still wear. Instead, when I opened my eyes, I saw a thin white kid being demoniacally possessed by the Rock&Roll Spirits, confidently singing and blazing through an intense jam with his guitar like it was as simple to use as a blow-up fuck doll.

He really did look possessed at times. I mean it. In a kind of spooky �I'm not faking it� kinda way. My girlfriend, who likes to remind me that she closely studies the anatomy of other men who happen to be nearby, pointed out that the veins in his arm were bulging to a size roughly the diameter of my pinky. I had not noticed this because I was busy trying to figure out what dead rock star had been reincarnated inside of this kid. After she mentioned it, I began to wonder what would happen if the veins in his arm exploded � not because I was worried that everyone in the first ten layers of people would get soaked with blood, but because I was curious what song he would break into next if it did happen. He wasn't about to stop.

So, yeah. Reincarnation is real. I just saw it, but I'm not sure who I saw. If you like good ol' fashioned guitar rock, and are a fan of the blues, I suggest you check out the physical body vessel known as Jonny Lang.

And just in case you think I am giving too much credit to this kid's performance, here is what the review said in the local paper the next day: �Though you might think it's amazing for someone his age to play at this level, just remember the best work of Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Duane Allman and Jeff Beck all came when they were that age as well.�

After the show, my girlfriend and I went home, and immediately started looking up information about Jonny Lang on the internet. My girlfriend got so HOT reading about him that she had sex with me right there on my computer chair, and we broke a lamp.

How's THAT for a good review?

[Scene fades to black - Faint sound of Velcro]

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[* The � & � symbols have been added because I know that Yahoo! is a copyrighted name, and I don't want to be sued for using their name without permission, but I don't know how to use a word in a sentence that has an "!" included in it, which would normally end the sentence I am trying to write. This would mean that every time I try to write a sentence that has their name in it, my statement gets cut-off abruptly. This is, of course, until I can figure out a way to always end my sentences with their name, and to always say it in an exciting way! (Not to be confused with Excite!��TM) However, since it is "MY" (customized) Yahoo page, then I am unsure if I somehow have partial ownership of the name, and don't know which little cool-looking symbol keeps the lawyers away. Just to be safe, I used a few of them, although I was really tempted to use �, because it looks cool. I also wondered if Yahoo! were to move overseas like all the other pansy US corporations, would they have to change their name to ���Ħ��?

Also, the words "Home Page" were capitalized just to annoy my girlfriend.]

 0 wrote to say im an idiot.