Saamba
LAST 5 ENTRIES:
Remotely interesting - 07.07.2006
Weather or not you believe this.... - 07.06.2006
Dear Scientific Community..... - 03.11.2005
the saambas go missing-in-action - 11.22.2004
i'm baaack! - 10.29.2004
Who loves ya, baby?
10.07.2004 4:18 a.m.
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THIS should make up for my last entry.
As many of you know by now, I have had the honor of
meeting the one and only Telly Savalas. I was living in New York City at the
time and was only in 2nd or 3rd grade. Being able to live in NYC at such an
early age would normally be very impressive, except that I was living with my
parents. On this particular day my mom picked me up from school so she could
walk with me to one of the playgrounds in Central Park less than a block away.
This was a little odd because I usually walked to school and back every day by
myself - exactly 10 blocks each way. Apparently this was back in the days when
it was safe to let your children roam the streets of NYC alone, but if they
wanted to go into the playground you had to escort them.
We started walking along one of the paths in the
park and saw two men standing up ahead having a conversation. As we got about
about 20 feet from them, we noticed that one of the men looked remarkably like
Telly Savalas, and as we got closer he turned and smiled, then began walking
toward us. At that moment we heard someone yelling in the bushes as Mr. Savalas
greeted us, much to our bewilderment. I turned to see two or three other men
standing/hiding in the bushes just off the path with a bunch of camera
equipment, and soon it became apparent that they were in the middle of filming
an episode of Kojak.
That must be why it isn't safe to walk in the park
alone.
As the years went on, I would continue to meet
equally odd or obscure celebrities under equally odd or strange circumstances,
but it never occurred to me that such a rare occurrence could happen more
than once.
It was many, many years later that I would have a
very unfortunate and freak accident involving a roll of saran wrap which
resulted in a broken arm, several lacerations, the suffocation of several
million brain cells and a large monetary settlement in my favor. I decided to
take a portion of the settlement money and put it toward a much deserved
vacation which would leave me in the sunny climate of Las Vegas for five days. I
booked reservations at a very expensive resort club outside of the city limits
and spent the first day lounging in the sun.
The second afternoon of my stay I had reserved a
limousine to take me out to see the Hoover Dam, and was on my way to the lobby with
my camera and several rolls of film when I spotted a group of people walking in
from the main building. What caught my eye was an extremely short person who I
at first thought was a child, but soon realized it was a midget. I stopped and
watched as they crossed the bridge towards me and suddenly realized that the
midget was "Mini-Me" from the Austin Powers movies. I was dumbstruck by seeing
him in person. He looked so much taller in the movies. What shocked me even more
was realizing that walking right behind him was none other than Telly
Savalas. I immediately snapped a photo of them and made stupid "hello"
sounds as they passed. I admit....I was star-struck.
Above
is the photo of "Mini-Me" and "Telly" that I took when I first spotted them that
morning. I had no idea who the blond woman was at the time, but later learned
that she was Telly's personal assistant. Everywhere they went, Mini-Me always
seemed to be leading. He later explained that he had to walk in front,
otherwise he couldn't see where the fuck he was going. He also asked me if I always liked asking stupid questions.
I loitered around for a bit hoping to see them again
and eventually told the limo driver that I had to cancel my ride. I had already
seen the Hoover Dam anyway in one of those Chevy Chase movies, and I wasn't
about to pass up the opportunity to meet Mr. Savalas again. Sure enough, about
an hour later I saw them coming out to the pool area and so I pretended to
sunbathe as an excuse to spy on them. The blond girl wasn't wearing a bathing
suit, unfortunately, which was a disappointment. She was really attractive, and
the more I saw her the more I was torn between meeting her and Telly....
Instead I got to look at Mini-Me and Telly in their
bathing trunks. Not quite as sexy, but pretty cool.
Here is Mini-Me about to take a dive off the board
while Telly and the chick had drinks. Mini-Me wasn't very coordinated and always
did belly flops or sideways cannonballs, but they were fun to hear him scream. I
snapped this photo while pretending to be working on my camera because I didn't
want them to think I was paparazzi or something.
A few seconds after I took this photo, the waiter
came over to me and asked me if I wanted a drink. I said I did, and then he told
me that the "lady over there" said it was on their tab. How cool! I ordered a
Mai Tai (which was what he said she was drinking) later raised my glass to her
in thanks, but she never looked over.
After about his 10th screaming splash, Mini-Me got
out of the pool and told me that if I was going to take photos, I didn't have to
act all stupid and sneaky about it. I couldn't believe he talked to me! At first
I thought he was giving me a hint to stop taking photos, so I did, but later he
would get on the diving board and tell me to get ready to take another picture
of him. That was cool. I have about 50 blurry photos of him. I was using
slow-speed film for taking pictures of dams, which don't move very fast.
We kinda had the whole pool area to ourselves, so I felt awkward about taking
photos of them or getting too close, but I eventually got more courage after the
fifth Mai Tai. They were hanging out and Telly was talking to Mini-Me about some
of his experiences as a NYC cop-actor. His voice was so pronounced that it was
mesmerizing. At one point, Mini-Me's feet fell through the seat of his chair,
but he didn't even seem to notice. They seemed like such good friends, and it
was really weird seeing the two of them hang out together. Kinda surreal,
actually.
I wanted to hump the blond chick.
I sat with them for awhile and made idle chit-chat,
and told Telly about the first time I met him in Central Park. He said he remembered it, which
was a huge surprise, but he may have been just saying that. When I told him what
he said about my mom he looked at the blond chick and said "Yeah,
speaking of which - where are all
the babes?" Then the blond chick excused herself and went inside. I thought
maybe she was pissed by his comment, and considered following her but thought
that would be too obvious, and besides Mini-Me kept asking me to take photos of
his "super-board-gymnastics." He could barely climb onto the fucking
diving board, and he wanted me to waste more film of him falling off of it.
After about another half hour I was beginning to
feel like I had overstayed my welcome with them and considered leaving, when
suddenly a group of women showed up out of nowhere and started lurking around Telly. He seemed to be taking a nap at this point, but Mini-Me got a big grin on
his face and said "Hello ladies!" At this point I was on my 7th drink and wasn't
about to leave if they asked me....the blond chick had disappeared, but was
replaced by seven or eight more!
I figured my odds were pretty good, especially
competing against an old guy and a midget.
One of the girls brought a boom-box and woke Telly
up by turning on some loud dance music right over his head, and Mini-Me laughed
so hard he dropped his drink, and then made the funniest face. He is so small
that he has to hold a glass with two hands and he seemed to forget this several
times. After breaking two glasses, the waiter brought him his next drink poured
into about 20 shot glasses, all presented on a large serving tray. Everyone got
a kick outta that, and then Mini-Me told the waiter to bring Telly a tray full
of Ensure geriatric shakes. Telly retaliated by ordering the girls to throw him in the pool and
soon all the girls were taking turns picking him up and throwing him in. Mini-Me
really seemed to like that.
Soon the waiter was having trouble keeping up with
the drink orders and things were getting really silly. The blond chick came back
and joined the group again, which I was glad to see. Telly was giving everyone
instructions on proper midget-tossing, and he was hilarious. Mini-Me would shout insults at the girls
every time they picked him up.
By this point we were making a lot of noise and the
hotel manager came out and was spying on us for awhile, but he didn't seem to
want to toss any midgets for some reason. Clearly he failed to see the genius in
this. He apparently didn't approve of this behavior at his establishment, but I
read the Pool Rules and it said nothing about this. You can see the tight-wad
manager in the blue jacket in the background of this
photo. Having a bow-tie never helps anyone, especially persons of authority. It
only acts as a warning to others that you have no sense of humor.
The manager looked visibly annoyed and I was afraid of getting booted from the
hotel, so I crept off to the side area for a few minutes and watched as he came
down to break up the party. He walked right up to the girl dressed in the maid
uniform and told her that if she wanted to keep her job, she better get back to
work. She looked at him and said "Sorry darling, but I don't work here." All
the other girls laughed. Telly started making fun of the manager and told him to
"throw a midget or leave the party."
I have no idea who the woman in the green pants is.
I don't remember seeing her when I was taking these photos.
I stood up on one of the porch tables to get a good
cleavage shot of "the maid" while the manger talked to her. Right after I
snapped this photo, Mini-Me walked up between the maid and the manager and stuck
his head under her skirt. I laughed so hard I almost fell off the table. The
manager had lost control at this point, and stood there for awhile not knowing
what to do. Telly yelled "Save room for desert, Verne!"
The manager told us we had to turn the music down,
but Telly argued that we were the only people in this section of cabanas, so who
the hell cared? Even our waiter was trying to smooth things over and came to our
defense. He had his eye on some good tips, among other things.
It became kinda obvious at this point that most of
these girls were some of Vegas's finest entertainment "for hire" and suddenly
the party seemed to take on a whole new atmosphere. I got the impression that
maybe the blond chick had made some phone calls, and that was why the
guy-to-girl ratio had suddenly improved so much. I figured I needed a personal
assistant who would do things like that for me, so I started working on getting
myself one. My attention shifted back to the blond chick since she seemed to be
the only girl there who wasn't a stripper or prostitute. That seemed like more
my speed.
Of course, if things didn't seem to be working out
with her, my speed could change.
The
manager finally stormed off as Telly got up on the stairs and made an
announcement that the hotel was, officially, under his control. I was certain we
were going to get booted at this point, but the manager never came back. One of
the girls, "Valerie" (in the pink hat) later said she saw the manager leaving in
his car, but I'm not sure I trust her judgment. She also thought that taking two
aspirin is ok, but warned us not to take 3 aspirin "because the third aspirin
cancels out the other two."
It takes a special breed, I guess.
And then things started to get
a little freaky.
To immerse yourself into this scene, try reading the
rest of this entry while imagining the song "Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent. Or
better yet, stop reading right now and go put the song on your stereo. I'll
wait. If you can honestly tell me you don't own a copy of that song then quit
being such a freakin' pansy and download it
HERE.
Right click on the 'Download MP3' link to the song and select 'Save
Target As...' and it will download. Trust me, it's worth it.
I'm waiting.
Ok. Where was I? Oh, yeah - getting the freak-on
with 8 strippers and a midget in Las Vegas.
Soon Telly suggested we engage in some party games
and began making up obscure rules that all the girls had to follow. He had a
certain natural charm and commanding voice that was captivating, and he was
usually the center of attention. He took turns cuddling with each of the girls
or having them sit on his lap. At one point the waiter set up some ropes to
block-off the entry to the pool area, but other hotel guests kept peering in to
see what was going on. I would just smile and wave at them. I settled into a
chair near the blond chick and tried to make nice with her while I watched Telly
do his magic, but we were interrupted when he told her to go back to the room
and get a bottle of Sake. While she was gone, the girl in the leopard skin
outfit came over and gave me a mostly-clothed lap dance - she seemed
pretty drunk and couldn't stop gyrating her hips all night. I felt stupid
tipping her with Travelers Cheques, but she really appreciated them even though
they weren't signed.
Here we see Telly is "tipping the maid." Soon he was
pouring sake down her breasts while the other girls licked it off. When Mini-Me
got a lap dance, he completely disappeared - all you could see were his little
feet.
The girl in the leopard-skin outfit started making
out with one of the other girls and Mini-Me started spanking her. The three of
them were running around and started wrestling out on the lawn and falling into
bushes. They disappeared out of sight for awhile and I had forgotten about them
until I heard Mini-Me cry out from the darkness "Telly! It's Tokyo all over
again!!" Telly just laughed.
It wasn't long before the party moved up to one of
the hot tubs, and soon people were starting to get naked in a big way. A couple
of joints were being passed around and Mini-Me offered me some pills. I
declined, but out of curiosity asked what they were. "Ecstasy." he smiled.
"No thanks, I'll just stick to my cigarettes." was
the best response I could muster.
"Those will stunt your growth." he sneered as he
ambled away.
I chose to keep my clothes on for the time being but
it was hard not to look like an idiot. Especially with the camera. One of the
girls asked me why I was taking so many pictures, and I told her I was Telly's
official photographer.
"Who is Telly?" she asked.
"The only other guy here." I smiled. "Except
the midget, of course."
Telly took command of the hot tub and was soon
joined by the first three naked girls who could get in. Mini-Me just kinda stood
around, looking like a drunk idiot and staring at the girls. Kinda like me. The
smell of pot was everywhere now and the music just seemed to fit right in. It
didn't feel like we were in a hotel anymore - the whole place felt more like a
party at a private mansion. I tried to blend in but wasn't very successful at
it. I eventually grabbed an open seat next to the blond chick and finally got a
chance to talk to her. Her name was Shelly, which I thought was funny because it
rhymed with Telly. She explained that Telly and Verne were on a vacation or
sorts for a couple of months, which they do together every winter. They had been
in Monaco earlier in the week, and they were leaving to go to Rio in a few days.
"Wow." I said. "That's impressive. These guys seem to know how to have fun." She
replied that this was pretty tame behavior for them, actually.
There was a little bit of hanky-panky going on in
the hot tub while the blond chick and I chatted, and I kept suggesting that
maybe the two of us could go somewhere else. We were the only two people who
weren't actively participating in the nakedness-for-hire and things were
starting to get wonderfully awkward. She replied that she needed to "keep an eye
on things" so she couldn't leave, which sounded like a load of crap to me.
Either that, or she was as attracted to the girls as I was. Either way, I was
getting nowhere with her.
It then dawned on me that I was surrounded my naked
partying women, and I was wasting time hitting on the one woman there who was
fully dressed and in the middle of work.
Actually, all the girls there were in the
middle of work, but that's besides the point.
So I changed tactics and asked a brunette girl in a
bathing suit who was not doing much of anything if I could get her a drink. It
seemed too strange to strike up a casual conversation with one of the naked
girls - they would think I was just hitting on them. She said "Sure!" and then
there was a long pause in conversation while I waited for her to tell me what
she wanted, and she just smiled back at me wondering why I was still standing
there. "What do you want to drink?" I finally asked. "Oh! I don't
know.....[pause].....How about a white russian?"
Great. A white russian. I had a feeling that the
very tiny pool bar didn't have all the makings for that but I sprinted over
there dutifully anyway. I was on a mission. "Two white russians." I said.
To my surprise the bartender said "yes sir" and began working on it. I turned to
look back at the nakedness again for a few seconds, and the bartender
disappeared. I then continued to wait for what seemed like an eternity and a
half while I looked back and forth, back and forth. I didn't think this girl had
the mental ability to remember me if I left her for more than ten minutes, so
time was of the essence. The bartender eventually re-appeared carrying a quart
of milk. "Had to go get some milk from the kitchen" he explained. I
visualized myself beating him over the head with a blender.
By the time I got back to the group everyone was
getting out of the hot tub and Telly loudly said "Ok, girls. You two come with
me. It's time we go somewhere a little more private. The rest of you can stay
here and entertain Verne." I started to give the drink to the brunette girl when
she puzzled over what made it look so white.....
"Milk." I said.
"Oh, I don't drink milk." she said, and handed the
drink back to me. I looked around to make sure this wasn't the same girl with
the aspirin theory. It wasn't.
Blond-chick Shelly rescued me at that moment and
told me to walk with her as she followed Telly and his two girls. I dutifully
followed carrying my new white russian drink, though I had no idea where we were
going. We walked around back through a garden to another small hot tub/pool
area, though this one was more secluded from the rest of the facility.
Telly climbed into the hot tub with the girls, and
then turned to blond-chick Shelly and nodded. "You can take a break now,
sweetie. Thanks for your help today. You're the best."
Shelly said goodnight, and started pulling me away
by my shirt.
"Nice meeting you again, kid." he added as we walked
away.
I said "Thanks." with a knowing smile. I
raised my glass to him as we departed, but he wasn't looking in my direction.
I followed Shelly back to the main building where
she said there was a lounge with a fireplace we could relax in. It wasn't my
first choice of locations, but the fireplace seemed romantic, so I played along.
It was getting pretty late by this point and the hotel seemed very quiet.
We re-kindled the fire that had been left to burn
out in the fireplace and relaxed in front of it on the couch. Shelly started
telling me about her work and all the crazy places they had been since she
started working for Mr. Savalas. She talked for what seemed like hours, and
clearly thought very highly of him. I kept listening and nodding and wondering
how I was going to hit on her.
It was then that she told me the story of how Telly
Savalas came into her life.
Years ago, when she was very young, her mother had
an affair with Telly while working with him on a movie set. The affair lasted
for several months, until one day, her dad came home from work early and found
them having sex on the backyard swingset. Her father was so distraught he killed
himself a week later, and ever since then Telly has acted like a father for her.
He helped her with homework, paid for her college tuition, bought a new home for
her mother and has always supported the family. She said he was the nicest man
she ever met.
I was so touched by the story, I wanted to kiss her.
"And you're very nice too." she added, turning to
smile at me. "You are the only man I know who would bother trying to spend time
with me when you are surrounded by dozens naked women that you could be hitting
on. That's how I know you're a decent guy."
I shrugged. "Yeah, well.....I.....they aren't....as
attractive...uh.." I figured this was my opportunity. I had to make a
move.
Suddenly Shelly stood up and looked at her watch.
"Oh, no." she explained. "I better go check on the boys." She told me to wait in the lounge, and said if she wasn't back in 10 minutes, then come find her
outside by the pool area.
Reluctantly, I agreed.
7 minutes and 14 seconds later, I got up and went
back outside to look for her. I found her waiting for me alone in the hot tub,
and she winked as I walked up. "Took you long enough." she said with a smile.
To my surprise, she seemed to have lost all of her
clothing. I figured I should climb in and help her look for it.
I started to strip down to join her, and then
grabbed the camera to surprise her with a quick photo before I got in.
Not sure what she was trying to accomplish by
covering up her face in this photo.
Finally. Romance at last.
Telly introduced himself to my mother and kindly explained
that we had just inadvertently walked into/interrupted the middle of a shoot,
and that was why the man in the bushes was having a tantrum. We apologized, but
he explained they should have had someone guarding the path, so it wasn't really
our fault. We shot the shit with Telly for about 20 or 30 seconds while the
others were getting ready to redo the shoot, told him what big fans we were,
loved the show, yada, yada and he gave us a little description of what the
episode was about so we would know what to look for. It was kinda cool, and he
was really nice to us. Just before we left, he patted me on the head and told me
I had a "good looking mommy," or something equally inappropriate, and we
wandered off to watch them from a safe distance. He was the first celebrity I
ever met and I have always remembered it very well. After all, he did hit on my
mommy.
That happens to me a lot.
No sooner had I put down the camera and was turning to get in the hot tub when I heard a strange pitter-patter sound and then a giant splash.
Mini-Me had made a surprise entrance, and was now happily sitting in the hot tub with Shelly, although he didn't really seem to be tall enough to properly enjoy this activity.
Shelly yelled at him to get out and leave us alone, and I helped him climb out. Mini-me was extremely drunk at this point, and it was difficult to talk to him. He kept mumbling something about "stupid nazis" but he eventually got the message and wandered off to leave us alone at last.
Or so I thought.
About a minute later Shelly and I heard a tremendous crash and a "Mini-Me scream." We got out of the hot tub and ran down behind the pool service area to find him lying in the driveway covered in filth. He had apparently tried to vomit in a trash can and instead fell into it.
Then vomited.
Then tipped the trash can over and rolled around.
Then got out.
Needless to say, it was pretty disgusting.
That unhappy event pretty much ended the evening, as Shelly and Telly took Mini upstairs for a bath and more vomiting. I eventually went to bed, but not before stealing their towels and a bottle of champagne left by the pool.
The next day I tried to find them again, but they had apparently checked out. I never got to say goodbye to Shelly, or even see the Hoover Dam. The remainder of my stay there was relatively uneventful except for a black eye I received from a Chinese woman over a small misunderstanding about her purse. The morning I went to check out, however, the man at the front desk said someone had left something for me. It was a nice box of cigars with a note reading "Who loves ya, baby?"
What a great man.
So that's the story of how I got to meet Telly
Savalas a second time. Usually when strange stuff like this happens, you never
have your camera handy, but this time I got the pictures to prove it.
Just don't ask me about the third time I met him.
Fin.
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