Saamba
LAST 5 ENTRIES:
Remotely interesting - 07.07.2006
Weather or not you believe this.... - 07.06.2006
Dear Scientific Community..... - 03.11.2005
the saambas go missing-in-action - 11.22.2004
i'm baaack! - 10.29.2004
So, a man walks into his house one day.....
08.30.2004 6:53 a.m.
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When he walks in
the door, he hears a mysterious voice say: � �������
�Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.� � Surprised, the
man looks around to find the source of the voice, but finds nothing. He
figures he is imagining things, and goes on with his routine. � The next day he
returns from work again, and as he walks into his house, he hears the same
voice again: � �������
�Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.� � The man searches
high and low for the source of the voice, but finds nothing, and eventually
gives up. He goes to sleep that night wondering about the voice, and the
meaning of its strange message. � The next day he
returns from work yet again, and as he walks into his house, he listens
carefully to see if he can hear it again�.. � �������
�Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.� the voice says. � Astonished, the
man begins to frantically search the entire house for the source of the
voice. He spends hours tearing up carpets, moving furniture, busting holes
in the wall, but to no avail. He cannot find anything. Convinced that it
must be a sign from the heavens, he decides to heed the mysterious
instructions. The next day he quits his job, puts his house up for sale,
sells his car and most of his belongings. He scrapes together all the cash
he can muster, and eventually boards a flight to Las Vegas. He gets off the
plane, and as he is headed through the terminal, he hears the mysterious
voice again: � �������
�Get a cab�.Go to Ceasar�s� � Excited and
breathless, the man grabs the first cab and races to Ceasar�s Palace. He
gets out of the cab and heads through the doors into the casino.
Immediately, the voice speaks again� � �������
�Play the Roulette.� � The man heads
straight for the nearest Roulette table, but no sooner reaches it before the
voice speaks yet again: � �������
�Put everything�..on number 17.� it says. � His heart beating
rapidly, the man puts all his money on number 17. � The dealer rolls
the ball. � It spins
around�and around�.and around�. � �and lands on
32. � �������
The voice says: �....Damn.� � �
*********************************************************************************** The original
version of that joke I heard used the work �fuck� for the punch-line, but in
an earth-shattering change of verbal preference, I have decided that the
word �damn� is better. I think it expresses less of a sense of loss, which
to me makes the joke funnier. � You decide. �
********************************************************************************** � A woman with no
arms and no legs tries to board a flight from England to the United States.
As she approaches the gate in her wheelchair, she is stopped by the gate
attendant: � �������
"I'm sorry m'am. But you aren't allowed to board this plane."
the attendant says. � �������
"Why on earth not?" she replies. � �������
"Because a torso cannot possibly fly on its own!" � *rimshot* � � Actually, that's
not a joke. If it was, it would be a pretty lousy one, so instead it
just really
happened. That comment landed Air France a nice lawsuit in Federal
Court. Apparently the airline reasons that a person with no arms and no legs
will be unable to put on their oxygen mask seconds before the plane plunges
into the side of a mountain, so they are a liability. The woman, Adele
Price, postponed her trip a day to find someone to fly with her, and had to
pay for their ticket as well. She was also told that she would need "medical
clearance" from a doctor in the United States before she was allowed to fly
back home again. Apparently, she got a note from a doctor after she got to
NY, but was denied again, and extended her stay another 5 days to get notes
from 3 more doctors. Eventually, she got fed-up and just booked a flight
back home on British Airways, which let her fly alone without any hassle. In
fact, she has apparently flown before on several occasions without any hassle
on other airlines. � Can you say
public relations boo-boo? I knew you could. � I think the REAL
reason they gave this woman such a hard time is not because she was
handicapped (that would be wrong) but because she didn't speak French!
Air France is well known for being pretty obnoxious to english speaking
customers, so what could be more detesting than a passenger who is
English? Or maybe this has something to do with the fact that
AirlineQuality.com has 32 Review categories (including "Assisting passengers
with small children") but has no ranking system for "Assisting persons with
disabilities" or "Dealing with freaks". � Hey, if you're
not going to be judged on a category, why try to do well in it?
Actually, the full quote listed in the lawsuit was "A head, one bottom and a torso cannot possibly fly on its own."
And to think
the national French airline only scored 2 stars out of 5 for "Language
skills". � I did a bit more
research on this, and read the comments and complaints from Air France
customers. Judging by what I have read, there are also no review categories
for simple things like: Whether or
not your seat exists: "London-Paris-Johannesburg. It is safe to
say I will never set foot in another AF plane again. On flight to CDG,
the seat assigned was missing the actual seat - just the metal frame was
there. Cabin crew didn't apologise left me standing for 30 mins then
decided to do something about it." � Whether or
not your stewardess has a serious drinking problem: "I recently
asked one [stewardess] for a glass of Port and she had no idea what I
was talking about even though Port was printed on the menu as one of the
beverage selections. When I pointed that out she explained it by saying
that Port is a breakfast drink and we were catered as a lunchtime
flight." � Whether or
not you requested "Business Class" or "Mexican Jail Class": "The
food was pathetic, a slice of ham on one slice of bread with water was
the breakfast." �(What, no Port?) � Whether or
not you happen to be Gary Kasparov or Bobby Fischer: "Tried to
play Chess on the seat back screen, but gave up, since the computer
opponent took forever to move." � � To be fair to Air
France (and also because it would generate a ton more diary material), here
is a sampling of reviews on other airlines as well: "Have a
good night Bob, and don't forget to lock up before you leave." : "Being
a disabled gentleman from birth I have to use an electric wheelchair.
[....] Going out with my Chair was no problem at Heathrow but coming
back Air Jamaica refused to take it back to Heathrow although they
brought it out there in the first place. It would have been funny if it
was not so frustrating. We were treated like second class citizens
because I was disabled and totally ignored along with other disabled
people. We were the last to board the flight and we nearly missed it
because they locked us up in a room and no one could find the key." � How do you
say 'Mile-High' in Russian?: "On the outbound, one of the toilets
was marked out of order and then on the return flight 9 days later the
same toilet was still out of order -- or so it seemed. My wife said she
saw some of the staff going in and out of there, so it appears that the
[Aeroflot] staff reserve a toilet for themselves." � "We may
only have a few minutes to live..." : "The only thing that scared
me (and some other passengers as well) was that the whole plane was
vibrating pretty much during take off - I thought the plane might tear
apart any moment! [....] But - you can also see it positively: at least
I had time to find a new friend, a beautiful russian lady sitting next
to me on my flight to BKK..."� [Aeroflot]�� (Likely
comment from beautiful russian lady: "The flight was fine, except for
some American pussy who sat next to me and kept nervously asking me to
go into the toilet with him." � "You saw
nothing here, Da?" : "On Tuesday 6th April we were
scheduled to take the non-stop 9.45am Aeroflot flight from Ulan Bator,
Mongolia, to Moscow (SU 564). The flight took off exactly an hour late,
with a surprising number of men in business suits boarding the plane
very close to the late take-off. [...] The next surprise was to find the
plane descending far too soon for Moscow. We duly landed, with no
announcements or attendants communicating with the passengers. [...]
Many passengers, including us, stayed in their seats, but it soon became
clear that the attendants wished us all to leave - by their rather
brusque hand gestures. As we left (the last to do so) we saw members of
the crew sitting down with plastic cups containing amber-coloured liquid
in the business class section. After an hour in what we presume was
Novosibiersk (translating from Russian signs) we were hand-waved back on
board. The businessmen who had joined the plane on the tarmac after our
long wait at Ulan Bator did not reboard." � "Funny,
this doesn't look like Bangkok, either." : "Sounds like
nothing has changed for [Aeroflot's] quality. I flew London to
Bangkok via Moscow. The London flights were fine. Moscow to Bangkok was
another story! [....] After takeoff I tied myself in (belt buckle
broken) & went to sleep to be woken up by an FA saying we had arrived.
Did I really sleep all the way to BKK - No! We had arrived in Sevastopol
- when asked why we had stopped "no idea" was the reply. We then took
back off to arrive back in Moscow! - Remember I'm flying to BKK!
Dumped at the airport for 6 hours with no information or help to get
food & rude staff. The flight eventually took off again to BKK."��
(No word on where it actually went, though.) � Yeah, but
the taxi ride was perfect: "After 2 days I called the Aerosvit
about my lost luggage. They informed that it was waiting for me in lost
and found. [in Kiev] No phone call from them. They told me that I
needed to come and get it as they would not send it off to Simferopol
let alone Feodosia. That cost me a 2000 kilometer taxi ride (35 hours)
through the frozen landscape of Ukraine." � What do
you mean, 'Flight School'? : "Flight was okay. Pilot wearing a
baseball cap was a bit of a worry." [Air Asia] (This observation is
especially troubling considering that the airline advertises with the
motto "Now everyone can fly.") � And
instead of oxygen, they use laughing gas! : "Crew collected
rubbish by walking down the aisle with a blue trash bag! - very funny!"
[Air Asia]� (????) � And your
point is......? : "Despite being an
Asian Airline the Cabin crew found it hard to grasp English with
attempts of using passengers for translation at many points during the
flight." [Air China] � Yeah, but
did they share? : �[Air India] "Staff were
very liberal with the alcohol." - "They're generous with alcohol." -�
"Before take off there were many refreshments." - "Good wines and
spirits were served." -� "The two crew assigned to my area made
frequent passes through the cabin asking for drinks...." � Some
people are impossible to please: "So when we landed in London the
water came out of the toilet and filled the rear section of the plane
with sewage." [Air India]� (Yeah, but how about all that
alcohol!) � We enjoy
flying much more without any passengers: "On a flight back to
London we checked in at 07.45 for a 09.20 departure time to be told that
there was an operational problem and the plane was scheduled to leave at
17.00. We were given new boarding cards and told to return at 16.20. The
ground staff sent us away and said that the flight time was final and
suggested going back into the centre of Lisbon. We came back at 15.00 to
be told that the flight had left." [Air Luxor] � Its called
Tactical Air Defense and Radar Avoidance: "The domestic flight on
a Cessna Caravan between Blantyre and Club Mak was perhaps the most fun
flight I have ever undertaken. The pilot flew very low so we could look
at the scenery and even made several detours to look at herds of
elephants and hippos." �
Those 'smug' Hobbits ruin it every time:
"Were it not for the constant, 'Lord of the Rings' promotions (video,
menu) on board (even the outside of the plane was painted with ugly and
smug hobbits), I would definitely fly Air New Zealand again." � Dear CEO -
My name is Asshole...." : "My wife and I were delayed out of Las
Vegas for over 6.5 hours and not truly compensated for it, given 1000
miles ..we are not their plan members and it takes 20,000 miles to do
any good. Given dinner certificates we could not use because all food
places were closed upon arrival in Seattle. Had items stolen from our
baggage and not compensated for it. All we were given from the airline
was a pocketful of apologies which were not sincere. Contacted the CEO
and did not get the courtesy of a reply from him." �(Although
his letter did not mention any mysterious voices telling him to go to
Vegas, we can assume he lost also.) �
"Stewardess, I specifically ordered the Roman-Catholic dish." :"The
prayer cards they supplied with our meal were a little disconcerting."
[Alaska Air] � Because
the airlines have nothing better to do with their time: "I hope
airlines don't scan this forum to put all complaining people on the
black list." [Alitalia] (She is afraid of getting blacklisted from
an airline she just spent a half-hour complaining about?) � Yeah,
unless something goes wrong: "The takeoff and landing are shown a
large screen from the pilots vantage point and is really fun to watch."
[All Nippon Airways] �
What's next? I'm going to have to pay for the caviar?:
"Last week on an Aer Lingus flight from LHR to DUB in Premier
(Business), I asked for Champagne (as it was listed in the onboard
catering availability) and the crew proceeded to demand payment of �8.
They informed me that the new policy was to charge Business class
passengers for Champagne although all other items were complementary
(including Gin/Tonic and spirits etc) I emailed Aer Lingus on my return
and they confirmed that, yes indeed, they were now charging business
class passengers for champagne. I am aghast but not surprised as Aer
Lingus has really reduced to becoming a no frills airline." � How to be
an ugly American: "We flew from United States to
Asmara, Eritrea thru Sanaa. [...] We landed
in Sanaa around 11pm and we were greeted with folks who could barely
speak English. The only means of communication was yelling and sign
language." [Yemenia] � Actually,
I think that is an excellent excuse to delay the flight: "Just
today, my wife is due to return to Guangzhou from Fuzhou. Her flight has
once again been delayed - the excuse, this time, is that they cant find
a pilot!" �
Did you not notice the name of your airline?:
"Wizz Air is possibly the worst budget airline I have ever flown
(and I've flown on lots). [....] When we reached Luton baggage took 45
minutes to arrive but we were told by Wizz - our responsibility is only
to fly you - we have nothing to do with the luggage! What an attitude!" �
What part of 'low-fare' did you not understand?:
"VolareWeb.Com is a new low-fare spin off of Volare Airlines. Skytrax
- you may have your one star airline. [....] There were no drinks
offered unless you wanted to pay. Not even tap water and I asked! Do I
dare mention peanuts? Well, I did and they were $2. Also, there was no
reading material other than an out-dated magazine for the Milan
airport."�� (That's not so bad - some guy earlier had to
pay for his champagne.) � That's
funny, a guy two rows back had the same complaint:
"And they better check their electric circuits - my overhead
lights were controlled by somebody sitting in another seat!"
[Vietnam Air] � And for
$20, we'll let you do the approach announcement: "The
meal was ok for airline food, but if we wanted anything else to eat, (ie
a sandwich) we had to rummage through a cardboard box at the back of the
aircraft for the one we wanted. This we paid for and I later found out
from an acquaintance, who worked for Virgin, that those were the air
crews sandwiches." � Are you
sure you got on the right plane?: "I have flown
V-Bird four times so far for private travel as Niederrhein airport is
located quite conveniently for me. [....] However, I have been quite
puzzled by the lack of professionalism which V-Bird has displayed on
those occasions - especially in light of the fact that the V-Bird
concept seems to have some potential for success. The negatives: (1) On
two of the four flights, aircrafts (and crews) of rather unknown
airlines were used instead of V-Bird aircrafts and crews. On one of
those occasions, the flight had to be delayed because allegedly there
were technical problems with the aircraft. (2) Two of four flights were
delayed considerably (up to 90 minutes; quite long for short-distance).
(3) V-Bird personnel sometimes seems to lack skills and manners.�
Information on the cause of delays and further process were extremely
fuzzy. (4) Lack of coordination between ground personnel and cabin crew
(e.g., miscommunication about seat assignments, etc.) (5) Strange
announcements on the inflight pa (e.g., something like: the crew thought
we would be off service by now, but we have just been informed that we
have to fly you to Munich now, which we of course are very pleased to
do)." � Yeah, I
bet they gave you a funny look.: [On How To Ensure You Always
Get Good Service (NOT)] "A while back, United Air
Lines had these little "good flight" coupons you could give out to the
FAs if they did a good job - I used to give mine out before we even took
off! Why? they would ask. Well, since most are married with children I
asked them if they got better behavior from their children if they
derided them or praised them - you should have seen the look on their
faces." � All
employees must wash hands....after washing hands:
"It was the consensus of the passengers on the BHX-ASG / ASG-BHX
(B-757) flight that three toilets were not enough for approximately 200
passengers on a 6 hour and 40 minute flight. There was always a queue.
For some reason they don't believe in paper towels, but there is a towel
hanging from a hook on the door for everyone to wipe their hands after
washing up. [....] The toilets by the middle of the flight were filthy,
in fact I felt sorry for the people who were seated near them, you can't
imagine how bad it smelt every time the toilet door was left open!"
[Turkmenistan Airlines] �
And they always used the number '2' right between '1'
and '3': "On long haul flights the service was like a low-cost
airline. [....] After an appetizer we didn't get any salad or soup, they
immediately served the main course." [Turkish Air] �
You need to work on your priorities: "Whilst
the stewardesses were pretty enough and the food actually good, I longed
for the quiet efficiency of Aeroflot!" [Transaero Airlines]��
(We assume you aren't the same chap who paid for the 2000km taxi ride
through the Ukraine.) �
Dude, wanna get stoned after the safety
demonstration?: "Also, the cabin crew are much younger than the
average United flight attendants and this really seems to make a
difference. [....] 'Ted' staff are much more personable and chilled out.
As the captain dimmed the lights for take-off, the purser picked up the
microphone and announced in a whisper: "You are all getting very sleepy,
you don't want to order any drinks, you just want to rest and not bother
us." �
Oh Look! There he is! In the valley!: "The
aircraft is very old, and flying through the Andes Mountains is an
experience that may leave some finding God." � Gee, do
you think there might be a connection?: "Cabin staff didn't seem
to mind people standing up and closing luggage containers as the plane
took off (and I do mean the point in time as the airplane careered down
the runway just as it left the ground). Similarly people would get up
when landing even though we were still doing 200mph down the runway.
[....] The safety cards on these flights are always ripped." [Syrian
Air] � � Sadly, there were
no reviews for 'Hooters' Airlines, though we were really tempted to make one
up and add it to the website. � I have to say,
that after reading hundreds of customer comments about horrific flight
crews, obnoxious customer service and lost luggage horror stories, that it
was refreshing to read the reviews of some of the Asian airlines,
specifically All Nippon Airways. Their customer comments were so fantastic
that I wanted to book a flight with them to somewhere in Asia just to
experience it myself. I'm not kidding. People actually complained about
having too much food. These folks know how to run an airline. If you ever
get the opportunity to fly with them, break one of their wine glasses. They
love it. � I had no idea
there were so many freaking airlines in the world. It is a miracle that
daily collisions aren't commonplace with everyone flying around like swarms
of bugs at a Fourth of July swamp barbeque. � In somewhat
related news, I heard a report the other day that Air Traffic Controllers in
the United States are reaching a "Baby-Boom" type crisis: Apparently a vast
majority of the current/veteran/experienced/battle-hardened controllers are
set to retire within then next seven years. This is a problem because it
takes about six years to train new controllers. NEW controllers. The
inexperienced, just out-of-school, wet-behind-the-ears, nervous,
never-worked-in-a-real-life-air-traffic-control-tower-before-but-I-scored-pretty-well-on-my-finals-and-I-am-really-good-at-Microsoft-Flight-Simulator
kind of controllers. Did anyone see the movie "Pushing Tin"? That scares the
crap out of me. � But anyway. Back
to the woman with no arms and no legs who is suing Air France. � She is apparently
no stranger to the courtroom, I have learned. � On 20 January
1995, Adele Price was a party to civil court proceedings in Lincoln,
England, to recover money that Ms Price had previously been ordered to pay.
When she was asked questions about her financial situation, Ms Price
declined to answer. The judge in the case immediately committed Ms Price to
prison for seven days for 'contempt of court'. They threw her in a jail
cell. � A woman with no
arms and no legs....in a jail cell. � A jail cell
without facilities for the handicapped. � Adele Price sued
the British government in the European Court of Justice for mistreatment.
The court found unanimously in 2001 that the treatment of her had been
degrading, and she won. But now she is suing Air France for something that
happened back in the year 2000. Why has it taken her so long to file this
suit? � "It took Price
four years to finally file the lawsuit because she initially tried to
represent herself and found it to be too difficult, said her
spokeswoman, Jessica Frankston." � What could
possibly be so difficult about representing yourself in a lawsuit against a
major international airline when you have no arms, no legs, and no legal
training? �
*************************************************************************** � Three lawyers walk
into a bar. � The first lawyer
says: "Bartender, get me a glass of Scotch, straight-up. I've just had a
terrible day. My only client just got sentenced to 30 years for tax evasion,
and he still owes me money." � The second lawyer
says: "Make mine a double, then. The mob hitman I've been trying to
prosecute now for 2 and a half years just walked on a technicality." � The third lawyer
says: "I'll have a bottle of champagne, and get glasses for these guys too.
I just won the case against the woman with no arms and no legs who was
representing herself in court." � The other two
lawyers turn to look at him. "How did you do it?" "Did you show the judge
that she was not discriminated against?" � The third lawyer
says: "No. She called herself up as a witness." � "And.....?" the
other lawyers asked expectantly. � "The bailiff asked
her to place her right hand on the Bible." � �
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