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So, a man walks into his house one day.....

08.30.2004 6:53 a.m.

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Not-So-Daily Blatherings

A man comes home from work one d

When he walks in the door, he hears a mysterious voice say:

������� �Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.�

Surprised, the man looks around to find the source of the voice, but finds nothing. He figures he is imagining things, and goes on with his routine.

The next day he returns from work again, and as he walks into his house, he hears the same voice again:

������� �Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.�

The man searches high and low for the source of the voice, but finds nothing, and eventually gives up. He goes to sleep that night wondering about the voice, and the meaning of its strange message.

The next day he returns from work yet again, and as he walks into his house, he listens carefully to see if he can hear it again�..

������� �Quit your Job�.Sell Your House�Go to Vegas.� the voice says.

Astonished, the man begins to frantically search the entire house for the source of the voice. He spends hours tearing up carpets, moving furniture, busting holes in the wall, but to no avail. He cannot find anything. Convinced that it must be a sign from the heavens, he decides to heed the mysterious instructions. The next day he quits his job, puts his house up for sale, sells his car and most of his belongings. He scrapes together all the cash he can muster, and eventually boards a flight to Las Vegas. He gets off the plane, and as he is headed through the terminal, he hears the mysterious voice again:

������� �Get a cab�.Go to Ceasar�s

Excited and breathless, the man grabs the first cab and races to Ceasar�s Palace. He gets out of the cab and heads through the doors into the casino. Immediately, the voice speaks again�

������� �Play the Roulette.�

The man heads straight for the nearest Roulette table, but no sooner reaches it before the voice speaks yet again:

������� �Put everything�..on number 17.it says.

His heart beating rapidly, the man puts all his money on number 17.

The dealer rolls the ball.

It spins around�and around�.and around�.

�and lands on 32.

������� The voice says:....Damn.

***********************************************************************************

The original version of that joke I heard used the work �fuck� for the punch-line, but in an earth-shattering change of verbal preference, I have decided that the word �damn� is better. I think it expresses less of a sense of loss, which to me makes the joke funnier.

You decide.

**********************************************************************************

A woman with no arms and no legs tries to board a flight from England to the United States. As she approaches the gate in her wheelchair, she is stopped by the gate attendant:

������� "I'm sorry m'am. But you aren't allowed to board this plane." the attendant says.

������� "Why on earth not?" she replies.

������� "Because a torso cannot possibly fly on its own!"

*rimshot*

Actually, that's not a joke. If it was, it would be a pretty lousy one, so instead it just really happened. That comment landed Air France a nice lawsuit in Federal Court. Apparently the airline reasons that a person with no arms and no legs will be unable to put on their oxygen mask seconds before the plane plunges into the side of a mountain, so they are a liability. The woman, Adele Price, postponed her trip a day to find someone to fly with her, and had to pay for their ticket as well. She was also told that she would need "medical clearance" from a doctor in the United States before she was allowed to fly back home again. Apparently, she got a note from a doctor after she got to NY, but was denied again, and extended her stay another 5 days to get notes from 3 more doctors. Eventually, she got fed-up and just booked a flight back home on British Airways, which let her fly alone without any hassle. In fact, she has apparently flown before on several occasions without any hassle on other airlines.

Can you say public relations boo-boo? I knew you could.

I think the REAL reason they gave this woman such a hard time is not because she was handicapped (that would be wrong) but because she didn't speak French! Air France is well known for being pretty obnoxious to english speaking customers, so what could be more detesting than a passenger who is English? Or maybe this has something to do with the fact that AirlineQuality.com has 32 Review categories (including "Assisting passengers with small children") but has no ranking system for "Assisting persons with disabilities" or "Dealing with freaks".

Hey, if you're not going to be judged on a category, why try to do well in it?

Actually, the full quote listed in the lawsuit was "A head, one bottom and a torso cannot possibly fly on its own."

And to think the national French airline only scored 2 stars out of 5 for "Language skills".

I did a bit more research on this, and read the comments and complaints from Air France customers. Judging by what I have read, there are also no review categories for simple things like:

  • Whether or not your seat exists: "London-Paris-Johannesburg. It is safe to say I will never set foot in another AF plane again. On flight to CDG, the seat assigned was missing the actual seat - just the metal frame was there. Cabin crew didn't apologise left me standing for 30 mins then decided to do something about it."

  • Whether or not your stewardess has a serious drinking problem: "I recently asked one [stewardess] for a glass of Port and she had no idea what I was talking about even though Port was printed on the menu as one of the beverage selections. When I pointed that out she explained it by saying that Port is a breakfast drink and we were catered as a lunchtime flight."

  • Whether or not you requested "Business Class" or "Mexican Jail Class": "The food was pathetic, a slice of ham on one slice of bread with water was the breakfast." �(What, no Port?)

  • Whether or not you happen to be Gary Kasparov or Bobby Fischer: "Tried to play Chess on the seat back screen, but gave up, since the computer opponent took forever to move."

To be fair to Air France (and also because it would generate a ton more diary material), here is a sampling of reviews on other airlines as well:

  • "Have a good night Bob, and don't forget to lock up before you leave." : "Being a disabled gentleman from birth I have to use an electric wheelchair. [....] Going out with my Chair was no problem at Heathrow but coming back Air Jamaica refused to take it back to Heathrow although they brought it out there in the first place. It would have been funny if it was not so frustrating. We were treated like second class citizens because I was disabled and totally ignored along with other disabled people. We were the last to board the flight and we nearly missed it because they locked us up in a room and no one could find the key."

  • How do you say 'Mile-High' in Russian?: "On the outbound, one of the toilets was marked out of order and then on the return flight 9 days later the same toilet was still out of order -- or so it seemed. My wife said she saw some of the staff going in and out of there, so it appears that the [Aeroflot] staff reserve a toilet for themselves."

  • "We may only have a few minutes to live..." : "The only thing that scared me (and some other passengers as well) was that the whole plane was vibrating pretty much during take off - I thought the plane might tear apart any moment! [....] But - you can also see it positively: at least I had time to find a new friend, a beautiful russian lady sitting next to me on my flight to BKK..."� [Aeroflot]�� (Likely comment from beautiful russian lady: "The flight was fine, except for some American pussy who sat next to me and kept nervously asking me to go into the toilet with him."

  • "You saw nothing here, Da?" : "On Tuesday 6th April we were scheduled to take the non-stop 9.45am Aeroflot flight from Ulan Bator, Mongolia, to Moscow (SU 564). The flight took off exactly an hour late, with a surprising number of men in business suits boarding the plane very close to the late take-off. [...] The next surprise was to find the plane descending far too soon for Moscow. We duly landed, with no announcements or attendants communicating with the passengers. [...] Many passengers, including us, stayed in their seats, but it soon became clear that the attendants wished us all to leave - by their rather brusque hand gestures. As we left (the last to do so) we saw members of the crew sitting down with plastic cups containing amber-coloured liquid in the business class section. After an hour in what we presume was Novosibiersk (translating from Russian signs) we were hand-waved back on board. The businessmen who had joined the plane on the tarmac after our long wait at Ulan Bator did not reboard."

  • "Funny, this doesn't look like Bangkok, either." : "Sounds like nothing has changed for [Aeroflot's] quality. I flew London to Bangkok via Moscow. The London flights were fine. Moscow to Bangkok was another story! [....] After takeoff I tied myself in (belt buckle broken) & went to sleep to be woken up by an FA saying we had arrived. Did I really sleep all the way to BKK - No! We had arrived in Sevastopol - when asked why we had stopped "no idea" was the reply. We then took back off to arrive back in Moscow! - Remember I'm flying to BKK! Dumped at the airport for 6 hours with no information or help to get food & rude staff. The flight eventually took off again to BKK."�� (No word on where it actually went, though.)

  • Yeah, but the taxi ride was perfect: "After 2 days I called the Aerosvit about my lost luggage. They informed that it was waiting for me in lost and found. [in Kiev] No phone call from them. They told me that I needed to come and get it as they would not send it off to Simferopol let alone Feodosia. That cost me a 2000 kilometer taxi ride (35 hours) through the frozen landscape of Ukraine."

  • What do you mean, 'Flight School'? : "Flight was okay. Pilot wearing a baseball cap was a bit of a worry." [Air Asia] (This observation is especially troubling considering that the airline advertises with the motto "Now everyone can fly.")

  • And instead of oxygen, they use laughing gas! : "Crew collected rubbish by walking down the aisle with a blue trash bag! - very funny!" [Air Asia]� (????)

  • And your point is......? : "Despite being an Asian Airline the Cabin crew found it hard to grasp English with attempts of using passengers for translation at many points during the flight." [Air China]

  • Yeah, but did they share? : �[Air India] "Staff were very liberal with the alcohol." - "They're generous with alcohol." -� "Before take off there were many refreshments." - "Good wines and spirits were served." -� "The two crew assigned to my area made frequent passes through the cabin asking for drinks...."

  • Some people are impossible to please: "So when we landed in London the water came out of the toilet and filled the rear section of the plane with sewage." [Air India]� (Yeah, but how about all that alcohol!)

  • We enjoy flying much more without any passengers: "On a flight back to London we checked in at 07.45 for a 09.20 departure time to be told that there was an operational problem and the plane was scheduled to leave at 17.00. We were given new boarding cards and told to return at 16.20. The ground staff sent us away and said that the flight time was final and suggested going back into the centre of Lisbon. We came back at 15.00 to be told that the flight had left." [Air Luxor]

  • Its called Tactical Air Defense and Radar Avoidance: "The domestic flight on a Cessna Caravan between Blantyre and Club Mak was perhaps the most fun flight I have ever undertaken. The pilot flew very low so we could look at the scenery and even made several detours to look at herds of elephants and hippos."

  • Those 'smug' Hobbits ruin it every time: "Were it not for the constant, 'Lord of the Rings' promotions (video, menu) on board (even the outside of the plane was painted with ugly and smug hobbits), I would definitely fly Air New Zealand again."

  • Dear CEO - My name is Asshole...." : "My wife and I were delayed out of Las Vegas for over 6.5 hours and not truly compensated for it, given 1000 miles ..we are not their plan members and it takes 20,000 miles to do any good. Given dinner certificates we could not use because all food places were closed upon arrival in Seattle. Had items stolen from our baggage and not compensated for it. All we were given from the airline was a pocketful of apologies which were not sincere. Contacted the CEO and did not get the courtesy of a reply from him." �(Although his letter did not mention any mysterious voices telling him to go to Vegas, we can assume he lost also.)

  • "Stewardess, I specifically ordered the Roman-Catholic dish." :"The prayer cards they supplied with our meal were a little disconcerting." [Alaska Air]

  • Because the airlines have nothing better to do with their time: "I hope airlines don't scan this forum to put all complaining people on the black list." [Alitalia] (She is afraid of getting blacklisted from an airline she just spent a half-hour complaining about?)

  • Yeah, unless something goes wrong: "The takeoff and landing are shown a large screen from the pilots vantage point and is really fun to watch." [All Nippon Airways]

  • What's next? I'm going to have to pay for the caviar?: "Last week on an Aer Lingus flight from LHR to DUB in Premier (Business), I asked for Champagne (as it was listed in the onboard catering availability) and the crew proceeded to demand payment of �8. They informed me that the new policy was to charge Business class passengers for Champagne although all other items were complementary (including Gin/Tonic and spirits etc) I emailed Aer Lingus on my return and they confirmed that, yes indeed, they were now charging business class passengers for champagne. I am aghast but not surprised as Aer Lingus has really reduced to becoming a no frills airline."

  • How to be an ugly American: "We flew from United States to Asmara, Eritrea thru Sanaa. [...] We landed in Sanaa around 11pm and we were greeted with folks who could barely speak English. The only means of communication was yelling and sign language." [Yemenia]

  • Actually, I think that is an excellent excuse to delay the flight: "Just today, my wife is due to return to Guangzhou from Fuzhou. Her flight has once again been delayed - the excuse, this time, is that they cant find a pilot!"

  • Did you not notice the name of your airline?: "Wizz Air is possibly the worst budget airline I have ever flown (and I've flown on lots). [....] When we reached Luton baggage took 45 minutes to arrive but we were told by Wizz - our responsibility is only to fly you - we have nothing to do with the luggage! What an attitude!"

  • What part of 'low-fare' did you not understand?: "VolareWeb.Com is a new low-fare spin off of Volare Airlines. Skytrax - you may have your one star airline. [....] There were no drinks offered unless you wanted to pay. Not even tap water and I asked! Do I dare mention peanuts? Well, I did and they were $2. Also, there was no reading material other than an out-dated magazine for the Milan airport."�� (That's not so bad - some guy earlier had to pay for his champagne.)

  • That's funny, a guy two rows back had the same complaint: "And they better check their electric circuits - my overhead lights were controlled by somebody sitting in another seat!" [Vietnam Air]

  • And for $20, we'll let you do the approach announcement: "The meal was ok for airline food, but if we wanted anything else to eat, (ie a sandwich) we had to rummage through a cardboard box at the back of the aircraft for the one we wanted. This we paid for and I later found out from an acquaintance, who worked for Virgin, that those were the air crews sandwiches."

  • Are you sure you got on the right plane?: "I have flown V-Bird four times so far for private travel as Niederrhein airport is located quite conveniently for me. [....] However, I have been quite puzzled by the lack of professionalism which V-Bird has displayed on those occasions - especially in light of the fact that the V-Bird concept seems to have some potential for success. The negatives: (1) On two of the four flights, aircrafts (and crews) of rather unknown airlines were used instead of V-Bird aircrafts and crews. On one of those occasions, the flight had to be delayed because allegedly there were technical problems with the aircraft. (2) Two of four flights were delayed considerably (up to 90 minutes; quite long for short-distance). (3) V-Bird personnel sometimes seems to lack skills and manners.� Information on the cause of delays and further process were extremely fuzzy. (4) Lack of coordination between ground personnel and cabin crew (e.g., miscommunication about seat assignments, etc.) (5) Strange announcements on the inflight pa (e.g., something like: the crew thought we would be off service by now, but we have just been informed that we have to fly you to Munich now, which we of course are very pleased to do)."

  • Yeah, I bet they gave you a funny look.: [On How To Ensure You Always Get Good Service (NOT)] "A while back, United Air Lines had these little "good flight" coupons you could give out to the FAs if they did a good job - I used to give mine out before we even took off! Why? they would ask. Well, since most are married with children I asked them if they got better behavior from their children if they derided them or praised them - you should have seen the look on their faces."

  • All employees must wash hands....after washing hands: "It was the consensus of the passengers on the BHX-ASG / ASG-BHX (B-757) flight that three toilets were not enough for approximately 200 passengers on a 6 hour and 40 minute flight. There was always a queue. For some reason they don't believe in paper towels, but there is a towel hanging from a hook on the door for everyone to wipe their hands after washing up. [....] The toilets by the middle of the flight were filthy, in fact I felt sorry for the people who were seated near them, you can't imagine how bad it smelt every time the toilet door was left open!" [Turkmenistan Airlines]

  • And they always used the number '2' right between '1' and '3': "On long haul flights the service was like a low-cost airline. [....] After an appetizer we didn't get any salad or soup, they immediately served the main course." [Turkish Air]

  • You need to work on your priorities: "Whilst the stewardesses were pretty enough and the food actually good, I longed for the quiet efficiency of Aeroflot!" [Transaero Airlines]�� (We assume you aren't the same chap who paid for the 2000km taxi ride through the Ukraine.)

  • Dude, wanna get stoned after the safety demonstration?: "Also, the cabin crew are much younger than the average United flight attendants and this really seems to make a difference. [....] 'Ted' staff are much more personable and chilled out. As the captain dimmed the lights for take-off, the purser picked up the microphone and announced in a whisper: "You are all getting very sleepy, you don't want to order any drinks, you just want to rest and not bother us."

  • Oh Look! There he is! In the valley!: "The aircraft is very old, and flying through the Andes Mountains is an experience that may leave some finding God."

  • Gee, do you think there might be a connection?: "Cabin staff didn't seem to mind people standing up and closing luggage containers as the plane took off (and I do mean the point in time as the airplane careered down the runway just as it left the ground). Similarly people would get up when landing even though we were still doing 200mph down the runway. [....] The safety cards on these flights are always ripped." [Syrian Air]

Sadly, there were no reviews for 'Hooters' Airlines, though we were really tempted to make one up and add it to the website.

I have to say, that after reading hundreds of customer comments about horrific flight crews, obnoxious customer service and lost luggage horror stories, that it was refreshing to read the reviews of some of the Asian airlines, specifically All Nippon Airways. Their customer comments were so fantastic that I wanted to book a flight with them to somewhere in Asia just to experience it myself. I'm not kidding. People actually complained about having too much food. These folks know how to run an airline. If you ever get the opportunity to fly with them, break one of their wine glasses. They love it.

I had no idea there were so many freaking airlines in the world. It is a miracle that daily collisions aren't commonplace with everyone flying around like swarms of bugs at a Fourth of July swamp barbeque.

In somewhat related news, I heard a report the other day that Air Traffic Controllers in the United States are reaching a "Baby-Boom" type crisis: Apparently a vast majority of the current/veteran/experienced/battle-hardened controllers are set to retire within then next seven years. This is a problem because it takes about six years to train new controllers. NEW controllers. The inexperienced, just out-of-school, wet-behind-the-ears, nervous, never-worked-in-a-real-life-air-traffic-control-tower-before-but-I-scored-pretty-well-on-my-finals-and-I-am-really-good-at-Microsoft-Flight-Simulator kind of controllers. Did anyone see the movie "Pushing Tin"? That scares the crap out of me.

But anyway. Back to the woman with no arms and no legs who is suing Air France.

She is apparently no stranger to the courtroom, I have learned.

On 20 January 1995, Adele Price was a party to civil court proceedings in Lincoln, England, to recover money that Ms Price had previously been ordered to pay. When she was asked questions about her financial situation, Ms Price declined to answer. The judge in the case immediately committed Ms Price to prison for seven days for 'contempt of court'. They threw her in a jail cell.

A woman with no arms and no legs....in a jail cell.

A jail cell without facilities for the handicapped.

Adele Price sued the British government in the European Court of Justice for mistreatment. The court found unanimously in 2001 that the treatment of her had been degrading, and she won. But now she is suing Air France for something that happened back in the year 2000. Why has it taken her so long to file this suit?

"It took Price four years to finally file the lawsuit because she initially tried to represent herself and found it to be too difficult, said her spokeswoman, Jessica Frankston."

What could possibly be so difficult about representing yourself in a lawsuit against a major international airline when you have no arms, no legs, and no legal training?

***************************************************************************

Three lawyers walk into a bar.

The first lawyer says: "Bartender, get me a glass of Scotch, straight-up. I've just had a terrible day. My only client just got sentenced to 30 years for tax evasion, and he still owes me money."

The second lawyer says: "Make mine a double, then. The mob hitman I've been trying to prosecute now for 2 and a half years just walked on a technicality."

The third lawyer says: "I'll have a bottle of champagne, and get glasses for these guys too. I just won the case against the woman with no arms and no legs who was representing herself in court."

The other two lawyers turn to look at him. "How did you do it?" "Did you show the judge that she was not discriminated against?"

The third lawyer says: "No. She called herself up as a witness."

"And.....?" the other lawyers asked expectantly.

"The bailiff asked her to place her right hand on the Bible."



 0 wrote to say im an idiot.


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