Saamba

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Remotely interesting - 07.07.2006
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07.14.2004 5:55 a.m.

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Not-So-Daily Blatherings

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WARNING!!!
THIS ENTRY CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS.
WE WOULD RESPECTFULLY SUGGEST THAT IF YOU ARE YOUNG OR AN AVID READER OF THE BIBLE,
THAT YOU PASS ON THIS ONE. OK? JUST TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU. DON'T WANT TO CORRUPT
YOU ANY MORE THAN NECESSARY. NOTHING PERSONAL. AND WE DON'T WANT YOUR PARENTS GETTING ALL PISSY WITH US. THANKS!
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I think I understand now why people don�t write porn reviews � there just isn�t any energy left after the show. We watched one last night called �Internal Combustion #4� by Zero Tolerance. Zero Tolerance has been a good source for pleasurable smut for us in the past, but last night�s movie sucked ass. Literally. I know that one person�s turn-off is another person�s restraining order, but there are some things that just don�t turn me on in porno movies. A girl sucking on her own shit is one of them.

Perhaps I am just na�ve, but I thought that after anal sex, it was a good idea to go into the bathroom and wash your dick off. However, after watching this movie, I realize that I am wrong. After anal sex, you are supposed to spin the girl around and ram your dick in her mouth, cleaning it off like a ball washer at the golf course. This didn�t just happen once in the movie � it happened several times, with no break in the scene so you know it wasn�t an issue of editing. geez. Maybe in �Internal Combustion #1, #2 & #3� they show us hours of footage of all the girls giving themselves enemas to prepare for the filming of #4, but I doubt it. Either way, I think we will skip them.

One of the best movies of the genre we have seen to date has been one called �No Limits� or something like that. It actually had a real plot which was a total rip-off of a major Hollywood picture, but I don�t want to tell you which one � it would spoil the ending. I am probably the first person in history to say �spoil the ending of a porno movie� but it is kinda true. No, it�s not �I see naked people!�, in case you were wondering. The thing that made the movie interesting was that the plot actually enhanced some of the scenes into being more arousing than they would have been normally, something I never thought I would ever say. I won�t say it was totally successful, but at least it tried, and more adult movies should attempt to use plot as a stimulus. If you like adult films, give that one a shot. If not, then you probably think we are a bunch of freaks and you are only reading this out of sick curiosity, in which case you are a pervert.

I originally thought that it would be funny to set up a formal �adult movie review� system which listed all the details; running time, producer, director, cast and a scoring system like the Siskel & Ebert�s �Thumbs Up!�, except with erections or nipples. My girlfriend instead suggested that the scoring system could be tied to how long we watch the movie before we�.uh�.fail to notice the television any longer. We call that �renting half a movie�. The shorter the time, the more we like it.

Then we realized the whole idea was silly and we are dorks.

Some of you might be thinking by now that we are a bunch of sex-crazed maniacs, so let me change the subject and tell you about our recent vacation instead.

My girlfriend and I spent a week�s vacation on Martha�s Vinyard and the Cape, and used the time to visit a variety of lesbian bars and a certain sex shop three times. No, seriously. Three times. In a single day. That trip alone quadrupled the number of times I have been in a sex shop, and was double the number of times I attended math class. We took a day trip up to Provincetown to see what it was all about, and were pretty much blown away by how openly gay it was. Or at least I was blown away � my girlfriend said I was �bristling� and looked visibly uncomfortable. I thought the whole thing was really rather funny, and got more used to it after awhile, but still couldn�t help but giggle like an eight year old every time I saw a sign in a store window which said �fudge-packed� or a bar called �The Squealing Pig.� I�ll be sure to notify everyone when I grow up.

The town itself was beautiful and charming, and we enjoyed hours of just walking around and taking in the sights. The people were interesting to watch too. There was something really strange about seeing grown men, most often built like weightlifters, walking down the street and holding hands. I was visiting Opposite-Land, where everything is the opposite of what you are used to. I know we were in Opposite-Land because I didn�t get a parking ticket the whole day, and the only shop my girlfriend wanted to buy anything in didn�t sell shoes.

We found ourselves standing outside a little shop called �Toys of Eros� and my girlfriend gave me one of those playful smiles which said �Can we? Can we?�. It had been a long time since I failed Latin class, but I was pretty sure that �Eros� was ancient-speak for �Computer Errors�, and so �Toys of Eros� must mean �Microsoft Windows Games�, and so I eagerly followed her in.

Microsoft must be way ahead of the technology curve on virtual-reality games because most of the items I saw inside were completely wireless. They had everything. Medieval and torture games are sure to be a hit this year, because they had a large selection of leather costumes, chains, whips and potions. After about an hour of browsing, my girlfriend purchased what appeared to be a purple joystick (with shock/vibration action!) and we were on our way.

Outside, it began to rain, and we decided to head back to the car for shelter, and eventually decided to drive the 40 minutes back to our hotel for a little rest. It was there that we discovered that the purple joystick she purchased was totally non-functional (the shock/vibration action didn�t appear to work) and so we ended up driving all the way back to Provincetown to exchange it. We did more browsing at the �Toys of Eros� shop, and I was beginning to pick up on the fact that they weren�t selling computer games, though God knows, they probably did have some of those too. There was one girl working there who was the sex-shop equivalent of the person handing out cheese samples at the grocery store. She was apparently marketing a particular award-winning device and wasn�t shy about thrusting it into your hand so you could �get a sense of what it might feel like� if it was rammed up one of your orifices. I think it was called �Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon� and I can see why. I can also see why it would win an award, but I can�t for the life of me see how the judges tested it out. I bet they weren�t using the palm of their hand. For that matter, it was listed as a �Staff Favorite� (no pun intended) at the store, which also bent my mind a little while I was talking to them. Here is a picture I got off their web site just in case you think I am kidding:

Holy moley!

To give you an idea of scale, the buttons on the bottom are five feet long.

Another huge hit there was something called �CyberSkin� which is used on vibrators and feels like real human skin. According to the nice salesman, it was a material developed by NASA. I am beginning to wonder what the folks at NASA do all day because they seem to be developing a lot of stuff which doesn�t fly to other planets. On television late at night they often sell a super-soft mattress which was supposedly �developed by NASA�. So it�s beds & vibrators, huh? Must get awful lonely up there in the space station, hey comrade? Anyway, the nice salesman suggested that I touch the CyberSkin to see what all the fuss was about. I swear to God the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up and I felt a chill go over me when I touched it. It was really freaky stuff � just a little too real. The only way to describe it is that it is just like human skin, only nicer and softer. Everyone was freaked out by it. It made me wonder about what it was going to be like in the future when instead of blow-up dolls, people have sex robots covered in CyberSkin made to look like real humans. Any human. Or maybe even alien, if that is your type of thing � I won�t judge you. To each their own. You could custom order your own sex-robot to look any way you desire, order it online from Dell, and in 7�10 business days it knocks on your door to say it �had hovercraft trouble� and �needs to use your phone��.and �could you be a dear and rub my back?�

I have seen the future, and it has made me strangely aroused.

Anyway, before we left the �Toys of Eros� shop for the second time we decided to check out some of the local night-life while we were there, and asked the cashier where the cool bars and clubs were. He correctly identified us as �straight�, but suggested that there were three types to choose from � straight, gay and lesbian � depending on what we were interested in. We reasoned that since we can always see straight bars back home, we should investigate the other two, and he gave us the names of a bunch to check out. I have never felt like such an idiot tourist in my own country before as I did that night � going to see what gay bars looked like as if they were some kind of foreign historical site or monument that we had only read about in travel brochures.

To prove that we were in Opposite-Land, my girlfriend agreed with me that the gay bars didn�t seem like such a good idea, and instead we should check out the lesbian bars, which I was much more intrigued by. We headed to a place called Vixen�s, which sounded naughty enough, and I have to say from a guy's perspective it was a huge disappointment. For some reason, I had assumed that it would be this trendy/modern/cutting-edge bar with glow-in-the-dark Martinis and a bouncer named Raoul. Instead it was like a cheap-ass sports bar with a couple of Budweiser mirrors and a bouncer named Pat. My world was shattered. This was not like the movies I had seen at all. None of the girls seemed to care very much about their appearance, and instead all looked like Rosie O�Donnell at various points in age. They wore crappy clothes, drank Budweiser out of the bottle, played pool and never did anything like I had seen them do in the movies we rent, thank God. I thought that this "look" was only a stereotype. Apparently the lesbian movies I have watched in the past are not exactly accurate � like trusting director Jerry Bruckheimer to do a historical movie.

We finished our drinks and headed to the next place, which had much more promise because it was hosting a traveling lesbian beach party that had gotten good reviews in the Boston Globe the year before, whatever the hell that means. The architectural setting had improved to the level of a 1989 Miami Vice episode, and the girls here were mostly dancing instead of playing pool, which was an improvement. It felt like a chaperoned high-school party in someone�s living room, and Mom was upstairs to give the girls some privacy. I was the only guy in the place, and I am pretty sure a few of the women there wanted to kick my ass and possibly steal my girlfriend. She was definitely the best looking woman in the place, hands-down, and we stood out like sore thumbs in a middle-finger contest.

The woman behind the bar might have been straight, because when she took my drink order she seemed pleasantly surprised, if not amused, to see me. There was another girl at the bar who was somewhat attractive and well dressed, and coincidently she was the only other girl with long hair in the entire club. Everyone else was �Pat� � the ambiguously-gendered character from Saturday Night Live. The place was filled with televisions which for some reason were all displaying the local news, as if that was something cool to dance to. The whole scene was surreal. Car wrecks on the tv�..train wrecks on the dance floor. Couldn�t help but look.

We hung out on the deck for a while and watched this scene to my bewilderment over a drink, and I realized that there aren�t many times when I can hang out with my girlfriend in a bar and stare at women all night long. It dawned on me that being lesbian seemed kinda depressing and lonely, at least compared to gay men. Gay men at least seem happier and care about their appearance. Lesbians just seemed a little bit angry and rebelling against something. I know I am generalizing here, but I can't help my impressions.

We soon bailed from there and began to head home, but not without stopping into our favorite sex shop for a third time before they closed. All this lesbian reality had destroyed my faith in Hollywood, and I wanted a good alternative reality movie to bring back to the hotel with us that would cleanse my mind of the images we had witnessed that night. Our hotel room had a dvd player, and it was time to put it to use. Along with a purple joystick, of course.

For those of you that have read this far and think we are sex freaks, just remember this: Sexual comfort levels are like driving on the highway � anyone going faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a dweeb. It�s all relative.

Anyway, that constituted one cloudy day of an otherwise beautiful week long vacation. We spent most of our time on various beaches, trying to attract serial-killers. We only found one. He may be the subject of a future entry. We got tan, read books, went shopping, ate shitloads of seafood and noticed that �rope-light� is an illumination device only used near beaches and docks. It was a good time.

Most of all, I learned something very important: I want to write adult science-fiction screenplays, complete with CyberSkin sex robots and glow-in-the-dark Martinis. I could get Jerry Buckheimer to direct them so they would be flashy eye-candy and state-of-the-art looking. I'll call the first one "I-Sex-Robot". It will have a plot and be sponsored by Audi. There will be cool technological advances like holographic breast implants, force-field bondage and the OrgasmoPort. All of the sex-robots will be played by beautiful porn-stars, and they will live in their own colony on P-Planet which is the only place in the universe where sex isn't illegal. They will spend their days travelling to other planets and seducing people for the thrill of it. At the end of the day the robots go home, plug into their SoulPort and stick Martian truffels up their ass.

And they wont get dirty.



 0 wrote to say im an idiot.


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