Saamba♀ bought me a couple of books the other
day as a present. No occasion, just random present giving, which leads me to
conclude she must be having an affair and feels guilty enough about it to give
money to the local bookstore.
One of the books is called "Position Of The Day,"
and is filled with 365 different sexual positions, one for each day of the year.
Apparently, the folks that put this book together seem to think that people who
need a different sexual position for every day of the year also have a lot of
rocking chairs in their house, because rocking chairs are pictured in it a lot
more often than beds. We are going to need to get one, I suppose. We are also
going to need an ottoman, a swing set, gymnastics rings, a chin-up bar, a
trapeze, a stripper-pole installed in a doorway, a personal trainer and several
very open-minded friends.
We've started to go through the calendar is it
instructs, but I am afraid we are soon going to have a problem. For instance,
the position we are scheduled to try tomorrow is likely going to put one, or
both of us, in the hospital. You can see it pictured in the lower-middle of the
passenger safety card above, where I have played with the images and added
color. That's called "The Tadpole." I'm not sure how that works. I have checked
the book from start to finish and I cannot find any mention of the words
"astronauts" or "zero-gravity." The one next to it, with the water, isn't really
supposed to have the water, but I think that might be a way we could train for
the real thing.
If you don't hear from us for a week or two, call
the DiaryLand Paramedics.
Oh, and just in case anyone caught the spelling
error in the Passenger Safety Card above, I should point out that
"accommodations" was spelled wrong on the Hooter's website.
Anyway, the book is hilarious and really well done
in hardcover. Here is an example [on the left] of one of those little "factoids"
they would stick in the margins of a history book.
I have a feeling that I am actually going to learn
more American history reading this book than I learned in high school, and this
book is meant to be a joke. Actually, now that I think about it, it will be just
like high school.
I highly recommend this book, especially as a gift.
I think that if comedians wrote our history books, kids would enjoy reading them
more and would do better in school and then the Europeans wouldn't make fun of
them in the playground when they didn't know where Brussels was on a map.
Comedians would definitely make fun of Brussels.
I'm not sure how to make math textbooks funny,
though. Maybe those should be done by supermodels.
A third book she got me is a computer
administrator's book for Linux called "Setting Up LAMP," which was really
brave of her considering I like to play around with my computers and know just
enough about them to blow shit up. Despite being a patient and careful person
most of the time, when it comes to computers I am more of a "What happens if I
do this!" person than a "Maybe I should backup the entire system
and move the cats to a safe place" kinda person. The Linux box I am running now
I built myself against the better judgment of every employee at CompUSA, who
insisted on building it for me. I declined their offer, and told them instead to
just "give me all the parts" and then rushed home to get it built before the
girlfriend came home and discovered the mess I was creating. To my surprise, I
got it assembled and running in under two hours, and I had NO idea what I was
doing. The girlfriend was impressed at first that I was able to slap it together
so quickly, but later I had to take it apart again to let one of the cats out.
The book came highly recommended by one of the guys
in the IT department in her office, so maybe that's who she is having the affair
with - I just hope it isn't the really old one.
Before you get the impression we are just book worms
without any sense of culture, we also watched a few movies recently too. "Van
Helsing" for instance, about a vampire/ware-wolf bounty hunter, and "The
Masseuse" about Jenna Jameson taking her clothes off. Those of you who have
already seen "Van Helsing" already know that, of the two movies I just listed,
the latter one is much better.
Seriously.
First of all, I should say that the art-production
and visual effects in "Van Helsing" appear to be an enormous amount of
the overall film budget, and we rented the movie not really expecting it to be
very good. In that regard, it did not disappoint us at all. It was terrible.
Although someone spent a lot of effort on the scenery and visuals, every other
aspect of the movie was pretty much a failure, especially the dialog and plot.
Seven minutes into the movie, I turned to Saamba♀ and asked her if it was
supposed to be a comedy.
The movie seemed to be patched together with various
concepts from "HellBoy," "Aliens," "Indiana Jones," the James Bond series and
the Road Runner cartoons to name a few. The "HellBoy" character (Dr. Jeckle) who
appears early in the movie was supposed to be scary, but instead he was a
mixture of Mike Myers/HellBoy/Shrek/Fat Bastard. Alien egg-pods abound in the
movie supposedly as vampire eggs, and apparently the Vatican acts as a secret
spy agency complete with a "Q" who invents high-tech gadgets for Van Helsing to
use on his adventures. Frankenstein plays a large role in the movie as the
misunderstood monster. The Werewolf plays the role of "Wile E. Coyote" from the
Road Runner cartoons and makes a habit of getting tricked into falling down
massive ravines and making a little 'splash' in the river below on more than one
occasion. Female banshee/vampire girls show off their cleavage a lot (the only
reason they are in the movie) and speak like they live in modern-day southern
California which is pretty progressive for 19th century Transylvania. The main
villain, Count Dracula, looks like Bono from the Rattle&Hum era, but much less
scary.
The female lead in the movie was played by Kate
Beckinsale, who did AN AMAZING job looking exactly
like Lauren Graham from the Gilmore Girls. They probably
could have saved some money by just casting Ms. Graham for the part and telling
her not to smile. See for yourself - Kate Beckinsale is pictured on the left,
Lauren Graham is pictured in the middle. The woman on the right was in the
movie....you decide.
This played with my mind the entire movie.
I think the movie would have been better if they had
just named it "Identity Crisis."
Finally, our last review is "The Masseuse," a lovely
tale about a shy and lonely guy who gets a 'special' massage from Jenna Jameson,
and then begins to stalk her like a celery farm. This movie, unlike Van Helsing,
even has a sub-plot, but we have no idea how it ends because we have only
watched the first half-hour so far. However, from what we have seen it is very
well done from a professional audio/video standpoint and looks like a real
movie, except there is no wardrobe department. My only complaint is that it
might be a little tame/slow for our tastes.
After all, we are going to be buying a rocking
chair soon.
Another
book she got me is called "America - The Book." It was put together by Jon
Stewart from The Daily Show, and is modeled to look just like a typical high
school American history book, but is a parody instead. It even smells
like a history book, or at least I think it does. It's been a long time since I
was near one.
