Saamba

while living with a boy.

- much like two wrongs don�t make a right, two messy people do not a clean apartment make.

in fact, two messy people make the equivalent of a fema-certified disaster. i could always deal with my mess, but the mess of an apartment with two slobs is overwhelming.

- life is better with computer games.

before i knew the wonder of computer games, i wasted my free time reading and trying to better myself. what was i thinking?

- porn is fun.

i had no idea!

- a man who believes his girlfriend �lets herself go� after they�ve been together for a while is wrong.

if anything, it�s the opposite. i try a hell of a lot harder now, than i ever did before we were together. and i wonder why i never got any dates.

- night owls and early birds annoy each other approximately twice a day.

- men see strange food requests at night as �practice for when your pregnant.�

i�m not talking jalapenos and peanut butter at 2:30 a.m. i�m talking cookie dough at 9 p.m. no, that�s not practice for when i�m pregnant, that�s just being female.

- life revolves around the bedroom.

eating in bed, computer games in bed, movies in bed, 9/10ths of our time is spent in bed.

about fashion, whatnot.

- women�s clothiers really need to consider new sizing options.

clothing designers need to look into a mix-and-match scheme.
i.e. jeans. you pick your waist, butt, thighs and lower legs, and there are more sizes than the standard 1/2, 3/4, 5/6, etc. (or only evens or odds) crap. for the past year i have yet to find a pair of jeans that fits, why? because women�s bodies are not the uniformly numbered (if I�m wrong, please let me know, maybe i�m just strange) . i have a size 2 waist and a size 3 butt. so i end up getting size 4, which means the waist is constantly lower than it should be and I�m always flashing my underwear for all to see (somewhere along the lines i became a wigger (sp?)). but the butt is also still slightly too big, so i have saggy ass. but if i try the size 2, my ass is obscenely in your face. it�s a no-win situation. so i propose we be allowed to go mix and match. �yeah, do you have the dark-denim low-rise boot-cuts in a size 2 waist with a size 3 ass and size 2 � thighs? you do? great! i�ll take them!�

- you�re never too old to change your hair color.

hair is just another template of the body. only less permanent than a tattoo. i can�t even remember what my original hair color really was. never braved blond until recently (see the next lesson learned). and i love it, but it too will change in time. i just wish you could still get away with the blues and greens from high school and college.

- makeovers make you insecure about your previous self.

don�t get me wrong, i like me now that i know what makeup shades i should be wearing and how to put it all on. but part of me wishes i never found out that i had been using the wrong shades of makeup my entire life. if i hadn�t i would still think i looked fine and no one would have every told me otherwise and i would grow old and die still thinking i looked okay. but now i worry that i looked like a clown the last x number of years and suddenly the lack of dates makes perfect sense.

- you could be cindy crawford or carmen electra and you self image will still suck.

about cats and other things you have to take care of.

- in a tiled floor room, the cat will choose to throw up on the area rug.

apparently letting loose a hairball is more comfortable when you�re standing on carpeting.

- cats get really excited if they take a shit.

take a shit, run around the house like you suddenly weigh 20 pounds less. i don�t get it. all i know is it happens every time. and for the record, i would love to see a human do it - come tearing out of the bathroom full speed, yelling �woohoo! yea! woohoo!� just so i could ask why.

- cats will only sleep in small boxes not meant for them and on papers you purposefully put down to organize.

an 8 � X 11 paper box to be exact, complete with papers to be filed. and if you�re trying to put together presentation booklets and laying out the papers, forget it, those which are not to be mussed are the comfiest yet.

- if looking after a pet is considered �practice� for having children, i�m going to make an awful mother.

hairballs make me retch, litter boxes make me want to pass out. and you can beg and plead to be fed, but i�m not getting up until i�m damn well and ready - and because you�re being so annoying, i�m sleeping an extra hour. yep, call child protective services now.

- cats walk like the crow flies.

they see where they want to go, and they go straight. they don�t care if it means stepping on every sensitive part of your body. they especially like the straight lines that mean they get to step on a man�s crotch. they seem to get a sick thrill out of that.

- plants at the office should be thankful i always look for ways not to work.

my plants at the office are happy and watered on a regular basis, simply because I�m looking for other options than actual work. my plants at home have to lose all but one leaf before i remember to water them.

0 wrote to say im an idiot.