Therapist:
�Good afternoon, please sit down.�
Saamba♀:
�Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, doctor.�
Saamba♂:
�Yes, sorry to bother you on a Sunday.�
Therapist:
�Yes, well from your phone messages I thought it best to see you
right away. You must have left a dozen messages.....�
Saamba♂:
�14 messages actually. 10 in the first 24-hour period and 4 more in
the following 6 hours, which is an increase of over 60%.�
Therapist:
�I see. And what exactly is the problem again?�
Saamba♀:
�We are addicted to statistics, doctor.�
Therapist:
�Hmmm. I see you brought your laptops with you.....�
Saamba♀:
�Yes. Your receptionist told us you had a wireless Internet
connection here in your office. That's why we chose to come to you
instead of the other doc.....�
Saamba♂:
�Ooo! Ooo! Brett Favre just threw a 40 yard pass! That's
another 2.66 points!�
Saamba♀:
�Hold on, let me check the banner ads.....�
Therapist:
�I see. And when did this addiction begin?�
Saamba♂:
�We're not sure.....but we signed up for this online-diary thing a
few months ago and.....�
Saamba♀:
�Yessss!� [pumps fist] �'Spill the wine' just got another hit -
that's a 3.2% click-through now. I'm ahead!�
Saamba♂:
�Dammit. What a stupid banner ad. What is wrong with people?
You would think all the guys and lesbians would like my 'boobies'
banner......but a stupid picture of a wine glass....�
Therapist:
[confused] �Boobies banner?�
Saamba♀:
�He made this childish banner ad showing Tyra Bank's breasts, and
he thinks people will click on it. See � it's right here....� Saamba♂:
�But it's animated! I spent a lot of time on that!�
Saamba♀:
�Yeah. You did.�
Therapist:
�What is all this other stuff on the screen?�
Saamba♀:
�This is our fantasy football league here � it gives us real-time
football statistics. For instance, Tiki Barber has rushed for 34
yards today so far, and has only fumbled 3 times. Next to it we have
my I-Squad points for helping to
promote certain music bands I like. Right now I am ranked 7th
in the nation for one of three bands, and soon will have enough
points to win a sweaty towel used by the drummer in the '94 concert at
'The Chance.' Over here we have the number of people who have visited
our online diary in the past hour. This number is higher than usual
now because we are running banner ads to draw people in, like this
one I made here with the picture of the glass of wine. It's gotten 10
clicks so far this afternoon, and is our highest ranked ad.� Therapist:
�I like it. I would click on that if I saw it.�
Saamba♂:
[groan]
Saamba♀:
[continuing] �I also keep an eye on my emails here to see if
anyone left us a comment on our diary, and the yahoo messenger is
used to 'talk smack' to other members of the fantasy football league.
See? I'm typing a message to SwampRat telling him he doesn't have to
pay money to get beaten by a girl anymore...�
Therapist:
�.....you spelled 'strap-on' wrong....� Therapist:
�I see.....�
Saamba♀:
�Oh! Doctor! Could I get your email address? I get I-Squad points
for mailing links to people and I only need 122 more to beat out
SexxyKitN for 6th place.�
Saamba♂:
�Ah ha! Someone just clicked the boobies banner! I'm up to 0.008
percent!�
Saamba♀:
�That was you.�
Therapist:
�And why do you get so much enjoyment out of
this.....activity....do you think?�
Saamba♂:
�It's really healthy to interact with people in the outside world!
Why just the other day, we had a pageview from someone at the NASA
Jet Propulsion Labs!�
Saamba♀:
�Good to see they're hard at work.....Dammit! Tiki
dropped the ball again....!�
Therapist:
�Are you friends with any of these people?�
Saamba♂:
�Oh, hell no. We have no idea who they are. But they tell us all
sorts of personal details about their lives so it feels like we know
them. Like this girl, for instance.....she hasn't gotten laid in a
while so she is describing how she used a turkey baster
to.....wait.....WHOOHOO! SOMEONE JUST ADDED US AS A FAVORITE!!!�
Saamba♀:
�Who? Where are they from??�
Saamba♂:
�Somewhere in Texas, I think. Or maybe Transylvania!�
[Saamba♀
and Saamba♂
suddenly stand up and start dancing
around the room � Snoopy style.]
Therapist:
�What on earth are you doing?? Get off my desk!�
Saamba♂:
[looking at computer] �Shit. The Rabid Squirrels just scored
a touchdown. That puts me down another 6 points. Quick � start a
preemptive flame war!�
Saamba♀:
�You do it. The last time Ryan started crying when I told him your
team was going to break into his house and kill his dog.....�
Saamba♂:
�What do you expect? He's only six years old...�
Therapist:
�Have you two tried going out to an actual game....or maybe meeting
friends outside of the Internet? You could even watch your football
games in a sports bar with other fans.....�
Saamba♀:
�Are you kidding? Then how would we watch our stats?�
Saamba♂:
�Besides, we can't go to a bar in our underwear!�
Therapist:
�Yes, I was going to ask you about that.....�
Saamba♀:
�Doctor, can I use your computer for a moment? If we view our diary
from a different machine it counts as a new unique host!�
Saamba♂:
�Hey! There's a computer in the next office too! I'll make the
coffee!�
**************************************************************************************************
Saamba♂:
�That's nothing � I can watch the football games on my screen as
the stats are updated, so I can see the plays as well. Look at my
screen.....I keep track of the number of visitors to our diary, and
the computer displays it as a three color chart broken down by
average pageviews and unique visitors. Over here we can see what
pages linked to our diary, and if anyone found us doing a strange
google search. For instance, this person came to us by doing a search
for 'Kojak wheelchair hot babes'. I also keep an eye on the banner
ads and track how much traffic my business website gets every day
with these charts here.....�
