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I spent 15 minutes standing in the supermarket aisle taking the lids off each one, trying to figure out which natural disaster I wanted on my armpit. I finally settled on "Lightning", which was the least offensive scent "inspired by the forces of nature." They also had another line which included names like "Fresh Rush", "Icy Surge" and "Cool Fusion", but those provided "24/7" protection, which was way too much for me. I only really needed protection "10/5".

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I then wandered into the beverage aisle to pick up some....well, beverages. Half-way down the aisle, I was assaulted by a large display of bright colors screaming at me from the Gatorade section. The marketing geniuses there had developed cutting-edge flavored water with names like "Fierce Grape," "Fierce Berry," "Glacier Freeze," "Riptide Rush," "Cascade Crash," "Xtreme Mango," "X-Factor" and "Anal Probe eXplosion". Adjacent to this, the Powerade display had flavors like "Mountain Blast," "Artic Shatter," "Jagged Ice" and "Frozen Yeti Balls." What was going on here? What's with all the destructive hyperbole? And more importantly........who would win in a cage match; a fierce grape or a fierce berry?

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It is interesting to note that these beverages are the only products left in America which advertise the fact that they are "High in Carbs." Everything else in this damn country has banished carbohydrates like the plague, jumping on the marketing bandwagon to sucker the American consumer into thinking they are going to become healthier and more attractive if they just avoid one simple ingredient. Isn't it ironic that the ONE product that is labeled "High in Carbs" is marketed for people who lead active lifestyles and exercise? Think about that. Maybe that's because those people know that the only way to stay fit and healthy is to eat a balanced diet and get some exercise. Not "Fad" dieting.�

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Everything is "No-Carb" these days, and I am sick of it. The products are getting ridiculous; No-carb beers, which advertise on television with people lifting weights and running....then chugging a beer....like it was a Gatorade product, for christsake.� "No-Carb Arizona Iced Tea", "Ben & Jerry's Carb-Karma Chocolate Ice Cream", " "Low Carb Luxury Magazine", "Low-Carb Keto Fudge Brownie Mix", "Heinz One-Carb Ketchup", " "Rudi's Low-Carb Organic Bread" and my personal favorite: "Carb-Slim Chocolate Caramel Crunch Bites!" ("The ultimate low-carb movie candy!") I am not making any of these up. Click the links if you don't believe me. But do it soon, because the links are soon to fail when everybody realizes what a moronic fad this all is.

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I think I am going to try and buy stock in menu-printing service companies. Every other restaurant we go to these days has the goddamned Atkins logo peppered all over it, and someone is going to have to erase them all eventually. I'm going to buy stock in carbohydrates, too. They're really cheap now. No one wants them. I am going to scrape together all the money I can and buy up all the unwanted carbohydrates in the world. Then, when scientists announce that the no-carb craze is just about as healthy as Olestra water-torture, everyone will come scrambling to me to buy their carbs back. I will be rich. Richer even than this guy.

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I was standing there pondering all this marketing nonsense when I heard an announcement over the supermarket PA system: "Attention shoppers.....Xtreme Artic-Blue-Light Special in aisle Triple-Zero-Niner! Commencing NOW!" Suddenly the ceiling lights began to pulse and techno music blared from the speakers. The undersides of every shelf glowed in vibrant florescent colors as I could hear squeaky shopping cart wheels frantically burning against the linoleum tile everywhere around me. I was knocked violently to the ground by an older woman rushing past me in her cart. I think I saw her wearing a helmet. I clamored to pick up my things but it was hard to see. The deodorant I dropped was easy to spot because it glowed under the colored lights, but soon the floor was covered from thousands of pieces of paper shooting out of all the automatic coupon dispensers. I stayed low to the ground and tried to feel my way around. The voice from the speakers started again: "50 seconds!" There was a terrible crash in the next aisle and someone screamed "My eye!" I knew I had to get to safety. Up ahead I could make out slivers of daylight piercing through the coupon confetti, and crawled toward it. The mayhem continued as I reached the end of the aisle, and braced for a dash across to the registers.

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"40 seconds!"

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Suddenly the lights went out and everything glowed a blue-white color. Black-lights were descending from the ceiling, and the tempo of the music increased. It was a song by Moby called "Sellout." All I could see were people's teeth and eyeballs running everywhere. A man in an all-white tuxedo jumped out in front of me and said he had a product which could fix my dandruff problem. I pushed him aside and ran. Another voice called out from the darkness....something about removing the stains from my jeans.....and teeth whitener. I dove into the safety of a checkout lane and a loud buzzer sounded.� A female computer voice with a british accent said "Invalid...Purchase - Please... place... the... item... back... in... the... cart... and... swipe... your... Xtreme... Savings... Card... now."

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"But I don't have an Xtreme Savings Card!" I proclaimed. A girl standing behind the counter looked at me with a pained expression and pulled a ratty old card from underneath the register.

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"30 seconds!"

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She swiped the ratty old card into the machine. Her eyeballs and teeth scowled at me like I was an idiot. "You know, we have stuff for that dandruff." There were loud noises and screams coming from the produce section. I wanted to get some cigarettes too, but wasn't about to ask for them here. I just wanted out. I threw a $10 bill down on the counter and grabbed my deodorant, running for the door. The check-out girl called out to me: "You saved 3 cents with the Xtreme Savings Card!" I continued running for the exit, past the Xtreme Day Care, the Super-Quick Bank, the While-U-Shop Opticians, the Last-Minute Florists and the Dunkin Donuts Caffeine Lounge. A customer yelled out "Quick! I need an Xtra large iced french vanilla decaf dunccacino latte with 2 shots of espresso, liquid sugar and no-carb whipped cream! Stat!!"

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"20 seconds!"

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The music grew louder as I climbed over a 15-foot tall display of Low-carb Pepsi EDGE 12-packs which were blocking the exit and somersaulted onto the rubber door pads. I got to my feet just as the doors opened and pushed through a crowd of people who were desperately trying to find alternative ways into the store. My eyes adjusted to the sunlight as I collapsed on the pavement outside, breathless and drenched in sweat.

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I was going to need another stick of deodorant.

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 0 wrote to say im an idiot.