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Dear Scientific Community..... - 03.11.2005
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i'm baaack! - 10.29.2004

Dear Scientific Community.....

03.11.2005 12:02 p.m.

Today's Rant



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Not-So-Daily Blatherings

Dear scientific community,

I am writing to you today to implore your help.

Many years ago, when I was a young boy in school, I did not like you very much. Few of us did. You forced us to memorize alien-looking equations, grasp intangible concepts and tear open frogs. While I enjoyed tearing open frogs in my spare time, it lost much of its pleasure in a cold, fluorescent-lit classroom devoid of the usual childhood surgical tools like firecrackers and German shepherds. I swore at you under my breath for each cosign and pledged to destroy you each and every time I was required to draw one of these “∑” things. Your teachings were torture, the applications irrelevant and you made me feel stupid. You were evil.

But as you probably know by now, my attitude toward you as an adult has since improved. You began to warm my heart with the development of the “calculator”, a wonderful invention which spared me the pain of long-division that I proudly wore on my wrist during much of the 1970’s. And then you developed the “calculator watch” which was even cooler. My life was made easier with your inventions of “cordless phone”, “microwave dinner”, “wrinkle-free pants” and “SPAM™.” Last but not least, the “computer” and “internet porn,” both of which I have been meaning to thank you for. You have redeemed yourself, many times over.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I approach the scientific community sheepishly to ask for your forgiveness, and your help. As some of you may have noticed, your hard work and amazing discoveries are going unnoticed by much of the world today. Buried beneath stories of greed, corruption and war, your finest accomplishments merit only a small mention in the newspaper. While you are driving a remote controlled car around the surface of Mars, people are killing each other over a housing settlement. As you announce a colossal icecap has melted and fallen into the ocean, soldiers are dying to protect an oil pipeline. Any discoveries made the day Brad & Jennifer broke up have long since been forgotten. Outside the thick walls of your laboratory, there is genocide, war, political instability and a chaotic values system. I fear you may be the only ones who can put an end to it.

For years now I have dreamt of the day when you will emerge from your lab, slack-jawed and awestruck, to make an announcement that will bring the world to a halt. A discovery so wild people will crap their pants just thinking about it. An event so big that countries all over the world will forget their differences, put down their weapons and be united in the common wonderment of it all. I’m not sure what form this announcement would have to take, but I know that you are the only ones that can make it happen. Perhaps humanity will be united to defend itself from a swarm of evil aliens, like in the movie “Independence Day”. Maybe archeologists will discover that humans originally lived on Mars, but we had to flee due to global warming and colonized here on earth in a “Noah’s Arc” type spacecraft with a male and female of every ethnic race aboard. I don’t know what the announcement will be, but I know that we need it.

You don’t even have to actually make a real discovery, you could just make one up. Who would know? No one checks your work. You tell us that light travels at 186,000 miles per second, and we just say “Uh, ok…” but no one ever checks to see if you are correct. I always thought that number seemed too simple and convenient, myself. What are the chances that the speed of light just happened to work out to exactly 186,000 miles per second?? Don’t you think that 186,472.78 miles per second sounds more believable? For that matter, how the hell do we know if you are really driving a remote controlled car on Mars?? All we have is your word and some lousy pictures. My car’s remote starter doesn’t work from more than 40 feet away, and you expect me to believe that you landed a car on another planet and are driving it around? Maybe you have already been making these stories up to try and get our attention, but they just aren’t good enough lies. We need something big.

Anyway, get to work on that. We need a big announcement to get humanity united again.



P.S. – We don’t need any more sheep. Start cloning something useful. Like supermodels.

P.P.S. Thanks for the inspiration, BigPimp!

 5 wrote to say im an idiot.

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